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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25211434">The Gospel of Mary Jane</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Jane666/pseuds/Lady_Jane666'>Lady_Jane666</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Far Cry 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Domestic, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Character Death, POV First Person, Pregnancy, Project at Eden's Gate, References to Drugs, Romance, There will be fluff, Unhealthy Relationships, also angst, john has a wife before Eden's gate, she has a large family, they are all part of the cult, yes I am going to give john a family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:20:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,370</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25211434</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Jane666/pseuds/Lady_Jane666</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Well, where does one start a tragic love story? Do you start with how we fell in love? Or how I ended up following him across the country to start a cult with his brothers and just went along with what he asked me to because I do, for some horrible reason, love him. Unconditionally. "</p><p>This is the story of The Project at Eden's Gate's rise and fall, as told by someone who was there from it's inception. Mary Jane Seed, tells her side of the story...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John Seed/Original Character(s), John Seed/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part 1 - Well The Story has to start some place...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>SO HI... I picked up Far Cry 5... fell in love with John Seed and this is what happened.... A first person POV fic... something I haven't written in actual YEARS... so yeah... good times. I am loving writing this. It's fun... Mary Jane is just a really fun OC to play with and this world is just a great setting. </p><p>I am still learning the lore... so some things may be wrong and I didn't get the first two chapters beta read but the ones that follow will be... hopefully! </p><p>But just an FYI, the first chapter is pretty much an info dump backstory that I tried to make engaging because I am too lazy to write this whole bit, but it will explain in short how John and Mary Jane met and ended up getting married prior to formation of Eden's Gate... so yeah... chapter two will be up fairly shortly after (same day) so that's where the real meat and bones start!</p><p>Any who enjoy and if you want to know more about Mary Jane wander over to my tumblr, deathvalleyqueen, my ask box is always opened and I am going to start posting some of my HCs and such there too! THX &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Well, where does one start a tragic love story? Do you start with how we fell in love? Or how I ended up following him across the country to start a cult with his brothers and just went along with what he asked me to because I do, for some horrible reason, love him. Unconditionally. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As cruel, manipulative and sadistic he can be… the rest of the world does not see the John Seed I know. The man that I still stand by.The man I love and can’t ever picture my life without. I suppose I should just sum up our lives before we landed in Hope County? I think that makes the most sense. Because while our lives were interesting enough before we left Georgia, it pales in comparison to what followed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lets see, I was 19 and working as a waitress in my family’s bar. John, all handsome and dangerously charming at even 21, came in with my brother Sean and some of his College friends. He was handsome, charming and I had never had a man who was either of those things pay me so much as a passing glance before. Even working in the Pub. I was, for lack of a better way of putting it, persona non-nookie. Everyone saw me as Patrick’s daughter or one of my brother’s sister, nothing more. Not John, he saw me as a woman, an attractive one at that.  He would come in every night knowing I would be there and we would sit and talk. He was in his last year of Collage , getting ready to enter Law School at the time and he had dreams. Dreams of never having to answer to any man but himself, that he was going to make a name for himself. He convinced me very easily that it was going to be a dream he would achieve, and honestly I don’t know how it happened but one night I ended up in his bed after one of these late night chats and I haven’t left it since. I didn’t give him much choice in the matter either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hadn’t had boyfriends to speak of before, I had slept with other men, well one other man, but that’s not the point. The point is, after that first night I caught feelings I never thought I was going to have. As down and dirty as that first night was… John was sweet after. He held me and asked me to stay. I felt wanted for the first time in my life, like really wanted. Now at first it was mostly about sex, but then my Colin made me cry one night. I can’t remember what he had said, but John just happened to be coming in to pick me up and came in to catch me with tears in my eyes running into the kitchen. I am not even sure now what happened, but next thing I knew I heard fighting. Not arguing. The sound of glasses breaking as John shoved Colin’s face into the bar. Normal people would have been freaked out. Tried to stop the fight, me,I screamed “Kick his ass!” and held the kitchen door shut so my mother couldn’t come out and stop John from giving my brother the whomping he deserved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And boy did John… just for the record. By the time my mother managed to throw all her weight against the door to open it, sending me stumbling a few feet forward. Colin had several broken ribs, a black eyes, busted lip and broken nose. My mother threatened to call the cops if we didn’t leave. I ran into John’s arms and told him right then and there that I loved him. My parents kicked me out a few days later and John came to my rescue. He rolled up outside my parents house in his truck and helped me pack everything I owned in it. He took me home and promised me that no one would make me feel like I was worthless again. Now that promise didn’t exactly get kept, but the sentiment behind it meant more to me than if John was going to keep his word or not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Within six months of living together John made me get my GED and then take the ACT test so I could get into the College that fall. I did it… all because he pushed me. I didn’t have to work, either. For the first time since I was 12, so I suppose that also helped. John took care of me and I took care of him. Neither one of us knew how to really be with another person, to care about them the way we cared about each other. That first year together was filled with so many missteps as we tried to figure out how not to hurt the person we cared about the most.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was messy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Really messy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We almost didn’t make it a few times, but there was something about loosing the other that scared each of us. It was actually after one of these near breakup moments that I woke up to an engagement ring in my face. I don’t think he actually ever asked me to marry him. He just took the ring out and put it on my finger. I want to say it’s cute, like he didn’t need to ask because he already knew the answer. Really what it was, he wasn’t going to give me the option to say no… not that I would have. I was just about Twenty when we got engaged at I don’t think it hit me till John said we needed to have an actual wedding. Which was something I had never thought about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To be honest, at the time I had just assumed we would be one of those permanently engaged couples. Like the Engagement ring and living together was enough commitment, but in the end John wanted more. He wanted me to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>his wife.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It’s mildly possessive I know, but I wanted the world to know I was his...and he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We are married, legally speaking. Marriage licences, last name changed on all proper documents, the whole nine so to speak. It happened three weeks after my 21st birthday. None of this “Married in the eyes of the Father'' nonsense that seems to go on now. No, we had a proper wedding, it was lavish, in a church, with a beautiful and expensive dress and a real priest. My parents were there, all my brothers and their various partners at the time, my brother Colin had even threatened to object to the union… but John told him if he did, he would rip his tongue from his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the time I thought this an ideal threat, but now I don’t think it was an ideal threat at all. Which would explain why my brother sat in silence the rest of the night and to this day will not speak one word to John only glare at him. It made family dinners and events rather awkward, as you can imagine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I will admit there were signs to his true nature even before we were married. Yet, never with me. With me, outside of that bedroom that is, he was tender, loving, attentive dare I even imply. He called me things like ‘Darling’, ‘Sweetheart’, and my personal favorite. ‘My Angel’. I felt loved. I had fresh flowers on the kitchen table every morning. I didn’t have to work, as soon as my parents kicked me out, that was the last night I worked. That alone blew my mind. Never would have I thought that would have been my life, the kept wife of an up and coming lawyer. It felt like a dream. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> John told me to focus on school, get a good education. So that’s what I did. If I struggled with a class, he would sit down at night, after work, just to walk me through the course work taking far more time to explain things than my professors ever did. If I had been with any other man, who didn’t believe in me as much as John did, still does to this day for that matter, I would have remained a high school drop out with no hope of a real future. That doesn’t matter now I suppose. At the time. It did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doted upon me, spoiled me. I rarely saw him angry, and when I did I was rarely little more than an innocent bystander. Though, when a young man in Criminal Justice class got handsy with me after class… I thought he was going to rip his throat out right then and there. I tried to make myself think it was romantic, my man… protecting me. In reality looking back, it was possessive, I know this, but I didn’t want the creep trying to touch me either. Would you have stopped John? I don’t think so. It was nice to know that if I got catcalled while we were out John would turn around and rip them apart. If some asshole dared tried to flirt with me, or even worse, try to touch me. I never went looking for attention to have John fight, you are damn sure I went to him any time some stupid frat boy got out line. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You see, I thought we were happy enough, we lived comfortably in a nice house. I thought John came from money, The Duncans were a very wealthy and influential family and John was making good money from his Real estate dealings. Enough that we didn’t have to take out more student loans for me to attend Law School.  We even briefly discussed having children but then quickly thought better of it neither of us came from “good homes” and feared we would never make the proper kind of parents a child needed. Though that did not last long at all. None of our plans did, the moment that Joseph showed up at our doorstep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We had been married nearly a year, I was in my first year of law school.John was doing incredibly well with his redevelopment plans for the neighborhood where we both had grown up. He had just bought my parent’s Bar for enough money to let my parents retire peacefully and comfortably. Which actually put us back on speaking term with my family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We had so many plans for this perfect life we were building. We had a beautiful home, new European cars, I did not want for anything so long as I kept John happy. Which at that time, was not hard. I lived a life that I had dreamt of as a little girl, but all that disappeared… everything changed, even John, the second that Joseph came into our lives.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hadn’t even known that John had a brother, let alone two, before that day. He never spoke of his family, any time I would ask he would cup my cheeks and kiss the top of my head before saying “You are my family now.. The only one that would ever matter.” I believed him, part of me still wants to believe him that our family is what matters most, but I know that is not the case. He loves us, he is devoted to me, but his loyalty is to Joseph first.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joseph came into our lives offering a connection to John’s past, a life that he had never really remembered but romanticized to the point of most of it becoming fiction. John seemed happy, really happy to have his Joseph back. It was like I saw this side of him, the sweet little boy that was beaten out of him slowly start to return. So I embraced the idea of welcoming Joseph into our lives with open arms, if that means John would be able to heal those old wounds. I thought all this was going to be mean for us, was now we just had one more plate to the table when I made Sunday dinner… Lord how I was mistaken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Within a few months, our lives were forever changed. My dreams of becoming a lawyer went out the window. Instead I became another cog in the machine that is the Project at Eden’s Gate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, do I believe everything Joseph has prophesied? No. I have never thought he was the second coming or a prophet. He is a very clever man who can read the world and a con-artist that can play people. Nothing more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hear you asking yourself now, “Well, why did you even stay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Which honestly, I can only answer with, I promised to stand by my husband… through good and bad. John believes and for me that was enough to say “Yes" to him and go along with all that was asked of me. I know, this makes me a weak willed woman. I should be strong, independent and not bowing to my Husband’s will. I will admit this but the thought of spending the rest of my life without John, with him turning his back to me… that fear was a powerful motivator. He knows how to use my fears of abandonment against me. He always had. Beyond that, I could have just played the role of a quiet, loyal wife… I could have stopped there but I didn’t. I wanted to make John happy, make him proud to call me his wife. I wanted to be accepted as a Seed. I needed the approval. So I did more, still do more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My father had connections the boys needed and who was I to tell John, “No”? Joseph promised me that my family would be protected. That they would all be saved when the Collapse came. John promised me the same, told me that it was the kindest thing we could do. That I would be saving my family. As much as I was at odds with my mother and brothers, I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving my father alone with them all. So I convinced my father to use his connections to help secure arms and munitions and Joseph promised my father the one thing he always wanted. Power and an Army at his disposal, eventually. Weather my father belived he would deliver, I honestly don't know. It wasn’t as if it was much to convince my father to do any of this, nor my brother’s in truth either. They all had their reasons to want to leave their lives.  Ma was harder but she was an Irish Catholic woman of deep faith, I didn't think we were going to sway her but when she spoke to Joseph along, she came out swearing his was the second coming. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was I wrong to do this to my family? To get them involved? Perhaps.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could have left them behind when we left for Hope County, with no idea what happened to me. Wouldn’t that have been just as cruel? That’s what I tell myself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now...when we moved to Hope County, that is where everything really changed. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 2 - And so it began</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So the story proper kicks off here with some of the events of the night the first Faith came into their lives...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>SO yay... the actual start of the story!</p><p>Also again this part is un-beta read, I apologize for any spelling errors, I did my best I usually have a beta... but I was very impatient about getting this story up!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>The first months in Hope were rough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We were not living in the big house in Holland Valley yet. We were living on the Original Eden’s Gate compound, all the Seeds in one house. My parents and brothers in the farm house just down the road. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Living with the three Seed men, being the only woman was trying. They had lived hard lives and were harder men. I would clean up after them, cook their meals, listen to their late night discussions on their plans bringing them coffee and cake. I still often feel like in those early years I played the role of wife to all three of them, not just John. This is fact that still does not sit well with me if I think on it for more than a moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You see, shortly after arriving and while Eden’s Gate was still being built, I learned I was pregnant. This obviously was not part of my plan, but Joseph declared birth control an abomination and poison. Which neither John nor I were thrilled at and it did not take long before we were “blessed”. Neither John or I were happy nor excited when I learned I was pregnant. We both were terrified. However, it was not as if I could voice my fears..even to John… because Joseph called it a “Miracle” and “the dawn of a new generation”. Though it felt like neither.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was miserable in my first trimester and spent most of my time laying on the disgusting plaid couch that probably still sits in the living room of Joseph’s home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One night, no more than a month after we had finally settled in and I was nearing the end of my first trimester,  is when the first Faith came to us. I was laying on the couch flipping through a magazine that Jacob had brought back from town for me the day before when the front door was kicked open by Joseph as he shouted at John. “Put her on the table!” He was rattled, like something had just gone horribly wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John was next through the door, in his arms the limp and lifeless body of a very pretty, dark haired girl no older than sixteen by my guess. She was in a pretty white dress, but looked as if she hadn’t eaten a real meal in weeks. The sight alone was enough to cause me to gasp as I jumped off the couch. The magazine tumbling from my hands “My God!” I exclaimed, putting my hand over my mouth in utter shock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Make yourself useful or get out of the way, Mary Jane.” Joseph shouted, making me yelp startled as I jumped to move out of the way.  John snap his head around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t fucking yell at my wife!” He bellowed in response, making my lips turn upwards into a smirk for just a moment. John would never go against Joseph, until it came to me. I was </span>
  <b>his wife</b>
  <span> and there was a line that Joseph could never cross with John and I was it. Joseph just glared at John as he walked past me with young woman in his arms. Our eyes meeting for a moment before John mouthed a silent “I’m sorry…” to me as he turned away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jacob followed in last, looking the least distraught of the three men as John was setting the girl on the long wooden table that filled the dinning room. I took a few short step’s over to Jacob and put my hand on his forearm. He looked down at me with his sorrowful blue eyes. “Whatever happened, Jacob… it’s going to be okay.” I whispered softly as a mother would speak to her child. It was the same way I spoke to John when he would go off in a fury, a way I knew none of the Seed boys had been spoken to since they were ripped from their mother’s arms. I reached my hand up and cupped his cheek. “Go next door, get my Ma, she was a ER nurse remember… Ma will know what to do…” I whispered. Ever the solider, once given his orders he only gave a brief nod before turning promptly around to go rouse my mother from bed. “Be nice to her!” I hollered after before turning my attention back to Joseph and John. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John was pacing, muttering something I couldn’t make out at the distance to Joseph who was lent over the girl checking to make sure she was still breathing. I took a few hesitant steps towards them, stepping onto a creaky board gaining both their attention. John took a few steps forward with his hand out. “Don’t concern yourself with this, sweetheart…” His tone was soft, as it always was with me, but his eyes were filled with fury. I shook my head defying him. “Mary Jane..” he said my name firmly, his eyes wide trying to get me to back down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I may play a more submissive role in our relationship, but there were some things I could not just ignore. “You can not bring a half-dead teenager into my home at one in the morning and expect me to turn around and walk away…” I snapped through gritted teeth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A dark chuckle came from table as Joseph lifted his head. “Are you going to let your wife speak to you with such insolence?” He quipped raising an eyebrow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John reached out and snatched my hand, “Mary..” He grunted through gritted teeth. “Just go upstairs..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” I respond bluntly. “Who is this girl, John?” I ask trying to take a softer tone as our eyes meet. John shook his head as he turned his gaze back to Joseph for a fleeting moment. “John..” I said his name again trying to get his attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Turning back his cold blue eyes meet mine, and he shook his head once. “Please.” He whispered. “Just go upstairs… I will be right up.” There was a tinge of fear in his voice, enough to make me pause and consider just doing as he asked but then I heard the front door creak open. I turned around as John brought his hands to his face knowing that now that my mother was here there was no way I was going to be shoved up stairs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mother, the formidable matriarch of the MacKenna’s was a tall, slender woman who did not look as if she had given birth to five large boys and then me. She was an ER nurse for most of my life. She was kind mother to my brothers but strict with me, took no grief from any of us. Nor would she take grief from John nor Jacob… but Joseph. That was always another story. Ma loved to play favorites and never made secrets of who they were. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph..” My mother exclaimed with her heavy Dublin accent as she made the sign of the cross stalling in the middle of the living room. She looked around between Joseph, the girl then John and I. She was furious this is what she pulled from her bed for. “What in the Lord’s name is going on here… Mary Jane… John…” Her voice was the same shrill tone she used when ever I did something even mildly displeasing to her. My mother looked straight at us with a furious questioning look assuming that we were the ones who had to be behind the scene that play out before her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Inwardly I began to panic. My eyes growing wide as my mind raced to find any words to possibly appease her. “Ma, I know nothing, I was home…” I started to ramble feeling like I was caught sneaking in at 2am again as a teenager again, as I backed into John, who placed his hands on my hips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His strong hands pulled me back against him, almost using me as a makeshift shield from what we knew would be a berating from my mother if she was given an inch to start. He cleared his throat, “We found her on our way back from getting supplies…” John tried to explain but even the start of his explanation rung hollow. I glanced over my shoulder at him and raised a questioning eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was about to ask him to tell the truth when my mother beat me to the punch. “Oh, likely story…” my mother scoffed as she pushed past us and went to devote her full attention to her young patient. “How much she did take and of what?” My mother snarled, taking no more than a minute’s glance at the girl. “One of yous best start telling the truth because I may not be your mother but a mother I am nonetheless and I know when children are lying to be me bold faced.” Her eyes fell back on John. His fingers dug into my hips as my mother took a step towards him with her finger stuck out scolding him just like she had done hundreds of times throughout my childhood. “They are not my sons, but you, John, are you my son? I look at you as one, you married my only daughter…  now, she is having your babe… we share blood…now, you will tell the truth of this poor girl’s misfortune so I can possibly save this child or so help me boy…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel John’s fingers dig into my hips, knowing they would like to leave a bruise but he was intimidated by my mother. I knew this. She could bully even the strongest willed person into submission with a stern look and a few pointed words. John, with his childhood filled with torment at the hands of his adopted parents, was an easy target for her to break. I think there was part of her that enjoyed doing it do him too, but I was too afraid to speak against my mother. She had made sure to instill that fear very young. So I stayed silent, let him do what he needed to get through that moment. Like I always have. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took in a sharp breath before leaning down and kissing the back of my head trying not to make eye contact with my mother. “Heroin…I don’t know how much.” John muttered under his breath. My mother scoffed. John lifted his head and I could feel him shrug behind me. “We picked her up because she needed a ride…” I slowly started to try to turn around so I could look at him, comfort him but John’s death grip on my hips caused me to be frozen looking up at him wide eyed over my shoulder. “We were going to bring her back here, give her a place to spend the night but she...she…” John stammered and my eyes darted to Joseph who was shaking his head seemingly upset that John chose to speak the truth. “She shot up in the back of the truck… Jacob noticed her passed out about ten minutes ago…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a beat while my mother processed the information. “Jesus..” She exclaimed as she threw her hands up before quickly pointing at Jacob who was still standing by the door watching from a distance. “Jacob, love, go back to the house and get Michael and James to get my med kit and make sure they get it all… now on with ya.. If we have a hope in hell to save this poor wretch.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have faith Catherine…” Joseph reminded firmly from his position at the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I have faith, but faith isn’t going to a hill of beans for an overdose…” My mother pointed out as she looked around the room trying to figure out what she needed. “John, move that small table over here… next to me…on with ya” She pointed to her left. John hesitated for a moment, but as I felt his hands loosen their grip on me I let out a low sigh. I knew I would be the next to be put to task. “Mary Jane, into the kitchen you go. Put a kettle on for a cuppa, you do keep proper tea in this house… I taught you that much.” She couldn’t had asked nicely you know, she had to get that extra dig into me to put me down a peg. I watched as John’s hand gripped the table white knuckled for a moment where I thought he was about to toss it across the room at her. I know he wanted to, he wanted to do much worse. One day he would, but not that day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head and gestured at him to calm down as I turned to my mother, mustering as much of a dutiful daughter smile as I could, before muttering “Yes, ma…” with a slow nod, my eyes still fixed on John. He was carrying the end table over to my mother.  She gestured for him to put it down next to her. Watching his every movement with judgement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once John set the table next to my mother, she made sure it wasn’t crooked before taking a step back waiting for her approval. Her steely blue-grey eyes fell on the table, her hand ran over the top to make sure it was not dusty. When she found that I, in fact, did dust my home. I could have sworn there was a hint of smirk on her lips as she turned back to John. “Thank you.” My mother said with a tender pat on the cheek. Which startled John enough for him to go stiff for a moment before she pulled her hand away to gesture towards my position near the kitchen door. “Now on with ya, go help Mary Jane and keep out of the way…” My mother would have never said she was fond of John, she however does regularly point out i could have done much worse. Which I suppose was as close of approval as I would ever get from her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seeing that John was being sent to help me I turned and walked into the kitchen. It was not small, nor was it large. It was just...a kitchen. Outdated and in need of fresh everything. I stated this on a number of occasions but apparently there were far more important things to spend my husband’s money on. I let out a long weary sigh as I hung my head standing in the middle of the room. “I didn’t sign up for any of this..” I grumbled to myself as I walked towards the stove to retrieve the kettle from the stove. As I walked back to the sink I turned the tap on the coldest it went and stood for several moments to let it run, tapping my bare foot on the linoleum floor. “This is all utter bull shit..” I mumbled again to myself. “They expect me to raise a child in this... “ I scoff softly shaking my head as I felt the weight of the kettle filling with the cold water in my hand reach the point I knew it was full enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I really should have noticed that John was standing in the doorway watching me, listening to me complain, but part of me was too tired and part of me truly didn’t care if he heard. If any of them heard. “Bringing some poor girl that needs doctors not God to my home… in the middle of the night... “ I was seething through gritted teeth as I slammed the kettle onto the stove. “I am supposed to what, just stand in the corner, look pretty and nod my fucking head…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Months of pent up frustration were coming to head as tilted my head back and let out a low groan. With a deep breath, I tried to steady myself. Push those thoughts out of my mind and focus on why I put it up with all of it. “John..” I murmured barely more than whisper. I turned my attention fully to the stove, my hands trying to get the ancient knobs to work as i attempted to light the burner on the old gas stove in the kitchen when I felt a pair of hands run up my sides and the familiar weight of John leaning down to rest his chin on my shoulder. He used to do this every night when he would come home and I would be cooking dinner. Sometimes I would have cooked a whole meal just as we stood now. I missed that life, John knew it too. I finally got the burner to light, “About time..” I laughed softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me or the burner?” John asked sheepishly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Without taking my eyes off the stove I smiled as placed my hands over his. “Both.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could feel John laugh against my shoulder before he placed a tender kiss on the soft skin of my neck. He interlaced his fingers with mine as he mumbled “I’m sorry..” against my neck, his words somewhat muffled. He kissed my neck again, as I let go of his hands. He arms wrapped around me, pulling me tightly against him. “You should be in bed…” He murmured as we swayed both of our eyes falling on the clock that hung above the stove that now read near 2am. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A small amused huff escaped my lips as I shook my head “It’s fine…” I replied slowly, though part of me didn’t even believe my own words. I pealed John’s arms from around me so I could turn around to face him. I hated talking to him and not looking him in the eyes, I still do. I ran my hands up his chest stopping to run my finger of the buttons of his shirt as I smirked up at him. John’s hands settled on the small of my back as I moved to stand on the tips of my toes, draping my arms over his shoulders. “I wasn’t going to be able to sleep without you, any how..” I pointed out. Though this was a simple fact that John was more than aware of. But I know he still loves to be reminded of that odd comfort feeling him beside me brings. A smug grin grew across John’s lips. “Oh don’t look so smug…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You love me..” He teased in a low voice, his hands dipping down to cup my ass. “You need me to fall asleep…” He continued. “Like I am some invaluable part of your life…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No shit..” I snorted, tossing my head back laughing softly. “This is not news, John… you knew this long before you ever asked me to marry you.” I laughed looking back up at me. “You knew this after the first night we spent together… in sin..” I thought I was being playful, being silly but something I said hit a nerve I hadn’t expected with John. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He got this look in his eyes, it wasn’t sadness or anger. Just I hit something with my teasing. John’s hands pulled my body against his as he took a step back taking me with him. “It still…” He started before shaking his head dismissing the half spoken thought. “Mary…” He whispered unsure of how to put how he was feeling into words. That when I knew. It still didn’t always register for him that I needed him as much as he needed me. That I actually got something from that I needed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know..” I replied softly, not needing to hear the rest of his words. My hand went up and stroked the side of his jawline, my fingers running over his soft beard. “I love you, John… I always will.. You are stuck with me..” I smirked before leaning up to place what I had hoped would be a brief peck on his lips but as soon as our lips touched it ignited something in John that was always dormant. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lust</span>
  </em>
  <span> I remind myself. His hands ran up under my shirt, up my stomach and cupping my breasts over my bra. Breaking our kiss, he peaked over his shoulder to make sure no was coming in before turning back and capturing my lips once more with a passionate fury. I wanted to protest, this wasn’t the time, but I had missed him so much that day. I wanted it as much as he did in that moment. My hands ran up the back of his neck, tangling in his hair as I pulled him deeper into the kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused for a moment and pulled back, a devilish smirk playing on his lips. That ‘I want you naked right now..’ look in his eyes that I knew all too well. “We could leave your mother’s tea to your brothers...go up stairs…” I knew what he wanted, hell, I wanted it too in that moment. I also knew that none of my brothers could ever get my mother’s tea just the way she liked it. Most of them could barely boil water without nearly setting the house on fire. I shook my head giving him an answer I didn’t want to give, but knew I had to. “Mary Jane…” He groaned and I let out a long sigh as I rested my head on his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know how my mother is…” I muttered closing my eyes for a moment. My mother was kind and loving to my brothers, they were always her favorites. She was even kind to Jacob and damn near worshiped the ground Joseph walked on. I on the other hand, and John by proxy, could never do anything right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> John knew this all too well, his jaw clenched before he kissed the top of my head. “Wrathful woman… she will be made to atone one day.. I promise you this.” His words were filled with certainty that brought me an odd comfort. I smiled softly a special little smile that was only ever for him, up at him and that seemed to please John greatly. “I have been waiting to see that since I got home..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a soft chuckle I took a step back and rested my hand over my stomach. “Well you are the only and I mean only person who could get a real smile out of me today..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The morning sickness isn’t getting better..” John asked softly, with a genuine tone of concern. “Is it even normal for you to still be so sick still?” I shrugged not knowing the answer but I didn’t want him to worry. Lifting my hand dismissively, I shook my head and turned back to the stove as the kettle began to whistle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get the tea from cupboard and a mug for Ma… please.” I asked, trying to avoid truly answering John’s question. He let it go for the moment and did as I asked him as I pulled the kettle of the heat and placed it on another burner. He set the glass container that held loose leaf black tea next to me, as well as the mug I asked for before pulling open the drawer next to me. He poked my arm and lifted up my lochness monster one raising an eyebrow. “When did you get this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Amazon is a beautiful thing..” I chuckled softly before gesturing to the simple stainless steel one that was far more my mother’s taste. “I also got the matching soup ladles… we needed them and if I have to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen… I will have cute things..” I declared emphatically.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John laughed as he set the novelty infuser back in the drawer and pulled out the far simpler one and a spoon. “I suppose if it’s something you will use…” He noted softly, “Though, in truth… we need to find our own place.” I nodded as I began to fill the infuser with the tea. “Preferably before the baby is born..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you think that is going to stop my mother from trying to..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I swear, Mary Jane.” John warned. “If she barges in and tries to belittle you about what you are doing with our baby..” John stayed silent most of the time with my mother because he knew that it would just led to some unnecessary fight that he shouldn’t be having but I had a feeling when it came to matters of the baby he would take the same overprotective stance. Which pleased me greatly if I am honest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shaking my head, I sighed I began to fill the infuser with tea, “She is going to try and micromanage every little detail of this baby’s life…” I plopped the filled infuser into the empty mug and poured the hot water over it till it hit the perfect spot. “What choice do we have… you need my father, the compound needs someone with a medical background…” I pointed out with a shrug. “She is my mother after all, too… as much as we both may dislike the woman..” I scowled and spooned two spoonfuls of sugar into the mug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John nodded halfheartedly as he let out a frustrated sigh, “Still,I will kick her out of whatever house we do have if she starts to overstep…” He kissed the top of my head once more. “And when we do get our own house, we need some place with a gate…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And dogs..” I add with a sly smirk before leaning up to give him a peck on the cheek, my hands settling on his hips. “I just want some place that is ours again… that I can lock doors.” I shrugged. “Someplace the baby will have their own room, and space to play..” I paused and huffed, “I want our own space...ours… not Joseph’s that we have like this tiny corner of but I have to keep the whole house.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Understood, all things will be on my list…”John let out a small huff of a laugh as he ran his hand over the small of my back and leaned in and whispered. “Maybe someplace we can make soundproof so I can make you scream my name all night long..” He added sheepishly as he leaned in and playfully nipped at my ear lobe making me laugh softly as I pushed him back. Knowing full well if I didn’t things would unravel fairly quickly and someone was bound to walk in. While we have many kinks between us, that has never been one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I smirked as I bit my bottom lip teasing, making him shake his head and look at me with pure lust in his eyes before I spoke. “That too..but… first” I gestured toward the fridge, “The milk, please…” I asked softly as I pulled the infuser out of the mug and set it in the sink to cool off. John nodded, still with that hungry look in his eyes as he took the handful of steps to the fridge and pulled out the small pint of milk before he set it in front of me. “Thank you..” I smile at him again as I open the milk and pour a small amount into the mug. Before I could even get the top back on John slipped next to me and plucked the bottle and cap from my hands and closed it before sticking back into the fridge and leaning up against the door of the fridge watching me finish preparing my mother’s tea. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and could see the smirk playing on his lips. I picked up the mug and turned to him raising an eyebrow. “Why are you looking at me like that..” I asked softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, can a man not smile at his wife…” I rolled my eyes before shaking my head as he laughed softly gesturing to the doorway back into the dining room. I walked through first, holding the mug in both hands careful not to spill anything because not only would my mother berate me for that, so would Joseph. I didn’t want to see John get into a fight with anyone tonight, he already seemed on edge and I was trying everything I could to keep from falling into a darker mood. Those were never pleasant.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I walked up to the table where John had moved next to my mother and set the mug down. “I hope it is to your liking, Ma…” Every time I spoke to my mother I felt twelve years old again, scared of her but also desperate for her approval. My mother didn’t even look back at me, she simply reached over, took the mug and sipped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I peaked over my shoulder to see John leaning against the wall, his arms crossed in front of his chest watching, awaiting the first sign of her torment to jump in and put an end to it. However, that night there was no need. With a small sigh, “Aye, it will pass..” My mother muttered never looking back at me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A sigh relief escaped my lips as I turned to return to John’s side. This time it was me seeking the calm comfort of feeling completely safe that only John had ever brought me. I slide next to his, his arm draping around my shoulder pulling me against his chest. My hand resting on his stomach as I let out a weary sigh. My mother sipped her tea and kept a close eye on the girl’s breathing and pulse. John leaned his cheek against the top of my head as we waited. Ten minutes passed and there was still no sign of Jacob or my brothers with my mother kit and I could tell from the tension hanging in the room that both Joseph and my mother were getting annoyed with how long the endeavor was taking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As if on cue the door swung open and the large, imposing figure of my father filled the door. As he stepped inside and into the light it was obvious that in his youth my father had an imposing presence. Even as a man nearing his late 60’s he was broad and muscular, even if he had a bit of belly these days. His hair had gone stark white when I was child, but in his youth he had thick black hair… not unlike John. Of my parents, I was founder of my father and I was the only one of his children he genuinely liked. I know this because he told me as much and treated me vastly different than my brothers. I was his little girl, no matter how old I got. “Oh shit..” I mutter to John, noticing that my father looked rather furious. “Da is about to lay into her..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, Da was about to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you fekking kidding me Cat? Let the little junkie rot… there is no reason to use what little we got to save someone who would rather die..” My father began to bellow. His accent wasn’t as posh as my mother’s he was from the county, I forget what county now but he grew up on a farm and you could hear it in his voice. My father was a leader, that was who he was. He was not used to being a subordinate and I knew that if it was up to my father he would have tossed the young girl into the river and gone back home to bed. Part of me wondered watching the way John’s mouth turned upwards as my father spoke if he wasn’t inclined to agree with the old man. Patrick MacKenna was many things but most of all he was prideful, cocky man, who showed little mercy, except the rare few people he truly adored. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Are you starting to understand how I ended up with John? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My brothers Michael and James, both equally as large of men as my father filled into the house and the last in, as always, was Jacob.James was the oldest, he was the reason my parents got married in the first place. Mom got knocked up. He was born in Boston, which is where my parents lived before moving down to Georgia where I grew up. James was always the leader of us, the one who felt he had set the example for the rest of us. Then Michael… Mac as he preferred to be called most of his life, he was ex-military. Actually served with Jacob before he was dishonorably discharged for something he never speaks of. He has always been the fighter of us, which is why he made a career as one for a time, but when I rallied my family to Joseph’s mission, they were the first to sign up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Each man had a bag slung over their shoulder. James took the bag from Mac’s shoulder and motioned for Mac to go towards the door.Silently my brother moved past my father who was still ranting and placed the two heavy bags on the dining room table before falling back into the living room to keep out of the shit storm that was bound to happen between my parents. “I will do as I please, Patrick.” My mother snapped as she opened the dark blue med kit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I turned into John’s chest, the sound of my parents shrill voices in the heat of an argument always sent me back to a dark place. I looked up at him again and mouthed. “Can we go to bed?” John nodded as he ran his hand down my back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking up at Joseph he caught his attention. “I’m going to take Mary up stairs, it’s late… she needs to rest with the baby and all..” John’s voice was always weaker with Joseph, but with a nod from Joseph before my mother had a moment to protest, John was taking my hand and we were about to head up stairs when my father started to approach us.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Johnny, my boy… please tell me you don’t agree with this shite?” My father asked, reaching out and grabbing the fabric of John’s dark blue shirt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at my father, my hand clutched in John’s. His grip tightening as he leaned into speak his peace. “The girl is sinner in need of salvation, who are we to deny her the opportunity to say ‘yes’.” John’s tone was vastly different with my father, forceful, and commanding. It was still an unnerving thing to witness the difference between the way he respond to Joseph versus everyone else. “Till she is in a state to do so, I have little work I can do… and Mary Jane… she needs to lay down everyone keeps her on her feet far too much and I have had enough it..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My father nodded as soon as he mentioned my name. “Aye, she shouldn’t be on her feet at this hour..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, she shouldn’t.” John responded as my father leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Neither should you, let Catherine do what she must to try and help this child… but the rest of us should leave her to it. There is still much work to be done in the morning and will not get done if we are all still in bed come sunrise.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Letting go of John’s hand for a moment I take a step towards my father and place a hand on his weather’s cheek. “is breá liom daidí,” (i love you, daddy) I muttered in Irish Galige softly before I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Feicfidh mé tú ar maidin, yeah?” (I will see you in the morning)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aye, now get on with ya…” He pulled my hand from his cheek and gestured toward to stairs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John took my hand once more and with little else said, we climbed the stairs. The first ones to bed. Which honestly, was usually the case. We liked our privacy, we lived for the time we could spend alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Our room was the largest of the rooms in the house, certainly the largest bedroom. Mostly because there were two of us in the room, plus unless we found a home of our own in a few months time there would be a third person calling that room home. There was a large, king sized bed in the middle of the room. Dressers on both far walls, covered in framed photos of our life before all this. Parties, nights out with people we thought were our friends. The largest of the photos on my dresser were of our wedding. Every time I looked at the pictures I felt like I was looking at someone’s else’s life. On John’s side most of the photos were of me or us. Some he had taken over the years and quite a few more recent ones. The largest sat in the middle and was honestly the best photo I had ever seen of myself. John had taken it not long after we started living together. I was wearing one of his shirts, nothing else. I had his tie half untied around my neck and was laughing at something. I looked happy, beautiful even though I had no makeup on. Once I asked John why he kept that photo there, and he simply said because that was the moment he feel in love with me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beyond the photos, John had a few model airplanes tucked around the room on shelves and one he made when he was very young on his nightstand. I had little drawings and paintings of trees, flowers and nature pinned to the walls. It had taken quite some time, but that room was starting to feel like ours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every </span>
  <span>time I walked in, I felt like I could finally breathe.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>John let go of my hand to close door and I made my way straight to the king size bed that we had brought from our home in Atlanta. It was the first thing we had picked out together when I moved in and besides the rest of the bedroom set that matched the warm, rich mahogany it was made of. Was all we had left of our furniture from our home. With an exhausted sigh, I crawled up the bed and flopped down on my back, my hands flung above my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I knew what John was doing even if I had my eyes closed. It was the same every night. He would unbuckle his belt, slide it off and set it over the end of the bed and kick off his boots. Then he would unbutton his shirt, leaving it open but still on. I started to giggle as I felt his hand run up my calf over the thin stretchy material of the black leggings I was wearing. “You are far too dressed to be in my bed..” He chuckled darkly as his hands ran up my thighs and gripped the waist of the leggings starting to pull at them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you dare rip these John...they are the last pair that still mostly fit..”I pleaded, John laughed and let his hands slip away from a moment as I shoved them down over my hips and bunched the leggings at my knees before sticking my feet in the air. “Now you can pull them off...carefully…” I could feel his strong hands dance across my bare skin as he pushed them the rest of the way off and tossed them to floor. He gripped my ankles lightly, spreading my legs enough to wedge himself between my legs. As he perched himself over me his hands trailed up the sides of my legs and over my stomach as he leaned down to kiss me. “John..” I protested softly. “I am tried..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He responded softly as his lips brushed against mine, his hand sliding up under the shirt the was technically his. “You won’t have to do much, just lay just as you are...and I’ll do everything else… promise..” His voice was breathy and full of lust as his hands slipped around my back and unclasped my bra. As I moved to slip it off under my shirt, I lifted my hip at just the right angle to make John pause and grip my hips tightly. “I need to feel you, darling… I was gone all day… away from you..” His voice took on the heavy tone that it often did when we were alone. “I missed feeling you next to me… under me..” I shook my head playfully trying to avoid him kissing my lips teasing him. John loved when I played this game with him. Cat and Mouse, it was the first game we ever played. I ran my hands up under the back of his shirt, my nails lightly dragging across his skin. He let out a low moan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hands ran down my sides, before gripping the bottom of the shirt and started pushing it up. “John,” I protested softly knowing exactly where this was heading. John may have presented him as a Godly man, a devout believer. Yet my husband was a filthy man at his core. I normally enjoyed this aspect of his personality, it never left me unsatisfied. Yet, lately, by the time we had a moment alone I was too tired. There was part of me, the part of me that always would say ‘yes’ when it came down to knew that and did things like this as his own little way to manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. Because at the end of it, John has always known I can’t say no to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please… Mary Jane…” He whispered as he pulled my shirt off over my head and discarded on the floor. “Say it..” John would never do anything were out the one word he needed to hear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at him, tired as I was I pulled him closer and whispered “Yes..” before capturing his lips and giving John just what he desired. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Part 3 - A Matter of Faith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Mary Jane recounts the night the first "Faith" left their family and the fallout of heightened emotions in the Seed house causes Mary Jane's life to change course...yet again...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>PLEASE BE AWARE THERE IS HEAVY SUBJECT MATTER AND POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING TOPICS.</p><p>Major TW for this Chapter -<br/>Death<br/>Drug Use Mentioned/Alluded to<br/>Overdose<br/>Serious Emotional Manipulation<br/>Mentioned/Implied Self-harm</p><p>I have updated the fic tags accordingly but I wanted to make sure there was an extra warning here. Also this is still unbeta read, I have done my best to go over it a few times and I hope that it all okay but if there are mistakes or missing words, I am really sorry... my usual beta/writing partner is having internet issues... so I am without a beta atm..</p><p>I do appreciate ever person who has taken the time to read this fic, it's something I am enjoying working on...in spite of the huge dose of Angst this chapter....</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first girl that would fill that odd little role of Faith lasted all of three weeks. I don’t even remember what her name really was now. Just that she hardly ate and rarely spoke. </p><p> </p><p>My mother had worked for two days to keep her alive but the girl was out to forget her life and leave this mortal plane. She did not want any part of Joseph’s grand plan and seemed determined to end her part in it. </p><p> </p><p>I was the one that found her, going into the bathroom in the middle of the night. She had taken something, maybe even was given something in truth, but the girl was dead in the bathtub. It was horrific. </p><p> </p><p>As had become common, I had gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I had little else on other than a dark violet robe and a pair of bunny slippers John had given me as a joke when we were dating, but they remain one of my favorite gifts he has given me. I was expecting nothing else than using the bathroom, checking my e-mails on my phone to pass the time and go back to bed. But, this is the Seed family. Nothing ever goes according to what Mary Jane plans, does it. </p><p> </p><p>I was half asleep and unprepared for the sight as I sat down on the toilet and looked at my phone, the blue light casting just enough of a glow to allow me to see the shadow of the figure besides me. At first, I was more embarrassed that I perhaps walked in on her in the bath and she had to see me obviously start to pee in front of her. “Uh...shit… what did John say your name was...sorry…” When she didn’t answer me I found it odd. “Are you alright?” I muttered as I reached over instinctively to touch her. She just looked asleep in the bath, nothing more, but as soon as my fingers touched her cold waxy skin I let out a blood curdling scream.</p><p> </p><p>I am not sure how long I screamed before I got off the toilet, my phone crashing to the floor. Screen shattering on the ceramic tile floor. When I did get up to race out of the room. I ran right into Jacob, who was opening the bathroom door.  His room was just on the other side of the bathroom and I knew he rarely slept more than a few hours a night. My arms went around his chest instinctively, my face burring in his t-shirt covered chest. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly as I continued to scream and sob. I was in hysterics but I can remember him calmly asking “Mary, are you okay? Is the baby..” as he slipped his hand under my chin to get me to look at him. I couldn’t utter the words, only nod my head that both myself and the baby were fine and that he seemed relieved when I did so. Trying to muster the courage to turn around and failing. I tried to lift my hand but I was frozen in shock. Jacob kept trying to get me to speak to him but the words were lost on me. I just remember his hand running down the back of my head, and how tightly he held me trying to calm me down.</p><p> </p><p>I have no idea how long we stood like that, perhaps less than a minute, perhaps ten. It was all such a blur. The only thing that shook me was the sounds of cursing and frantic steps from my bedroom down the hall. “Fuck! I’m coming! Shit… SHIT..” John hollered as the door flung open and he came racing out of our room down the hall, nearly tripping as he pulled up a pair of sweatpants on. “Mary!” He hollered once more, as he raced down the hall towards where Jacob and I stood. I am assuming his mind went to the darkest possible place from the panicked look on his face as he reached me. “Sweetheart..” He stammered as he pulled me from Jacob’s arms and looked me over. “What happened, darling, tell me..” He was panicked and it was a rare sight to see him so frazzled, even back then. His hands ran over my cheeks, down my shoulders and over, my arms looking for any possible sign of harm. I was still frozen, shaking. When I could manage to move my hands, I reached out for him. My left hand falling upon his chest. He froze, his hands gripping my hips as he looked down at me with the most horrified look on his face. “Please not the baby..” He whispered and I shook my head as quickly as I could before I fell into his chest as I let out a muffled sob. </p><p> </p><p>I slipped my arms around his chest and held onto him for dear life. I peaked up at him and John still looked as panicked as ever as he held me tightly. “I will be fine...The baby is fine… it’s that girl… the one Joseph calls Faith…” I mumbled against his chest. I could hear another door open and footsteps that I could only assume belonged to Joseph. I looked up at John, disheveled and still riding out the wave of panic that had just consumed him but was starting to dissipate once he heard me speak . His hands ran down my back nearly pulling the flimsy silk robe I had on off my shoulders. His icy blue eyes were locked on the shadowed figure of Joseph who stood on the other side of the door, waiting for Jacob to come back out. His panic shifting to anger as he started to put two and two together. </p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t more than a minute, perhaps two at max, but it felt like hours. When Jacob finally came out he leaned against the door frame. “She is dead, maybe an hour, two…overdose..” Jacob seemed rather unaffected by the situation though he did turn to John and I, “I thought I heard a noise earlier, but I assumed it was you… Mary… I’m..” </p><p> </p><p>“Are you serious?” John snapped sharply. I knew it was because in his mind, Jacob should have been the one to find the poor girl. Not me. John may have even had a point, but what was done was done. I could see that but as I watched his eyes narrow in on his eldest brother, I knew John could not.  “You heard things and rather than check… knowing we had that girl in our house” His voice went higher just a little bit as he leaned forward lifting his hand to point at Jacob. “You let my wife stumble upon this in the middle of the fucking night!”He kept me held tightly against his chest with one arm ,the other still pointed at Jacob who was standing taking John’s tirade in stride. “Did you forget she is pregnant.” He almost screeched, I wanted to say something, but for once John was saying his peace and I wasn’t going to stop that. “What if something had happened to my child… what if she wasn’t dead and had tried to fucking hurt Mary Jane..” </p><p> </p><p>“Enough John…” Joseph snapped and John instantly stopped mid sentence. “Your point is made.” Joseph’s voice was calm and even though I am sure the situation rattled him in some way. He was not letting anyone see it at that moment. </p><p> </p><p>John snarled as he directed his rage at Joseph, the brother he had put so much faith and trust in but often gotten little in return. “Has it been?” John asked sharply. “Can you feel her still shaking in your arms?” He was fuming and my hands grasped at his chest my fingers tracing over the word “sloth” that he had carved into his chest. He cast his gaze down at me. “What baby?” He asked, his voice shifting to a much softer tone as his hand moved up to wipe away a few stray tears from my cheek. “Talk to me, Darling…” He whispered, our eyes locking.</p><p> </p><p>My bottom lip quivered as I looked at him. “We can’t leave her in there… we...we… have to call the police…” I stammered, I didn’t look back at the brothers. My focus was solely on him. John’s hand continued to caress my cheek as he looked down at me. In my heart I knew that my request was not going to happen. I knew it, but part of me hoped that John would listen to me. “John… my love…” John’s eyes softened. He knew why I wanted to call. I had asked him several times that week did her family know where she was, even pointing out to him how he would feel if our child went missing. A thought he had dismissed as something that would never happen, but I knew it was a thought that had to weigh heavy on his mind.  He tried to brush it off at first but the longer he sat with it, I knew it began to eat at him. As it should have. I bit my bottom lip as I ran my hands up his chest trying to keep his attention on me as his eyes wandered to Joseph behind me. “We can’t just…”</p><p> </p><p>John lifted his head as if to begin speaking to his brothers but they cut him off.  “No.” Jacob and Joseph both said firmly in unison. I peaked back at them and saw the stern look that they were giving John, not me.</p><p> </p><p>John lifted his hand and pointed towards the bathroom “She has a family...people may miss her.” John choked out as my hand splayed across his chest. “We can’t just act like there aren’t going to be people who miss her, somewhere...” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be a pussy now, John.” Jacob chided harshly, cutting John off. </p><p> </p><p>I watched as John’s face dropped. He never responded well to either of his brothers being harsh with him, I could still see the eyes of the little boy who was scared to ever go against his parents, I knew that look of his all too well. I reached out and ran my fingers through his dark beard pulling him down so he was looking at me. “Take me down stairs..” I whispered softly. He nodded his head and reached up to take my hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Where are you going?” Joseph asked. “We need your help…” </p><p> </p><p>John shook his head, the idea of helping them do whatever it was they had planned for the girl’s body was a line that John seemed unwilling to cross. He let go of my hand and took a step to put himself between me and his brothers. “I told you that taking the girl in the first place was a bad idea,” He, nor his brothers, had ever spoke of what had actually led to the girl ending up in our home. I honestly didn’t want to know either. Whatever the circumstance were, John it appeared had been against it. Which made me proud of him in that moment and even more so that he was standing his ground with his brothers. </p><p> </p><p>“You said she was the one.” He pointed towards Joseph. “I said no, I could see the sin all over that girl like a plague that will spread and taint everything she touched.” As a rule, there was little discussion of their ‘plans’ in front of me. While I was married to John, in Joseph’s eyes I still was not fully committed and only there for John. I was a MacKenna, like my parents and my brothers. It bothered me, I was good enough to clean his house, cook his food, wash his clothes and have his brother’s child. Yet I was not good enough to be a Seed in his eyes and these matters were always only decided among the brothers. Even when it would affect me and my life. John seemed to have had enough. “I told you how many times before we even approached the girl that she was not going to work, but you did not listen. She overdoses in the back of my truck on the way to bring her back and then when the girl came through she would not confess.” This was the most I had heard about what they had done with the girl and my eyes grew wide as I listened to my husband continue. “I spent days trying to get her to confess her sins. I promised her that if she did she could be saved, that you had foreseen it. The girl just screamed, and cried to let her go.” I took a step forward, my hand reaching out to touch John’s arm as I looked up at him wide eyed concerned and I was honestly scared in that moment of what exactly had John done to that girl. I knew he had darkness in him, that he could do horrible things to a person if given a reason and I prayed that Joseph hadn’t given him one. “I told you this, Joseph, I told all this and you told me she just needed more time…” </p><p> </p><p>“John… Mary is…” Jacob interjected. </p><p> </p><p>“Let her hear everything.” John declared. “She is my wife and I have had to keep secrets from her for years…it is a burden I should not have to bare.” John turned his gaze down to my stunned face. “No more secrets… no more secrets, baby..” He kissed the top of my head, his hand running up over my cheek as he looked back up at his brothers. “There is no more loyal, caring and compassionate woman than my wife… and you want to keep that out of this? Don’t you think we need that perspective? A woman’s perspective...a mother’s.” I was confused by the conversation, still in shock of the events of the last 15 minutes and now I felt as if I was going to be shoved head long into a part of this world I did not want any part of. </p><p> </p><p>“Fine.” Joseph said plainly as if John was making a mistake he would later regret. “Go, take her down stairs… tell her <em> everything, </em>confess to her all your sins… and see if she still looks at you with those doe eyes after.” There was venom in his voice that sent a chill down my spine. “You forget, I had a wife once… I had the family you want so badly little brother and I lost it all. Do you think the same can not happen to you?” The sharp, icy tone of Joseph’s voice caused me to jump and John’s arms wrapped around me tighter for a moment. Perhaps out of fear that his brother was right. </p><p> </p><p>“She knows who I am…” John was trying to push back but I could hear the doubt in his words. Did I really know him as well as I believed I did? We had been together long enough for me to believe that I did, but John was clever at hiding things. Very clever at hiding the truth. It’s what made him a good lawyer after all, but would he have really hidden so much of himself from me that his brothers were convinced I would turn tail and run the moment I found out. How would that even be possible. I slept next to him for years, we shared what I thought was everything. In the past we had struggles, but John wasn’t the same man. Was he? </p><p> </p><p>I was distracted from my own spiraling thoughts by a low huff of a laugh came from Jacob as was shaking his head. “I am sure she does… that’s why you are still standing there, right?” The huff turned into a dark chuckle and John’s grip around me tightened more. I think he was actually afraid of what his brother was going to say next. Jacob turned to me, his face calm as it always was, but there was tenderness behind his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. He cared about me and there was something that John was keeping from me that would hurt me. “Mary, you’re a sweet girl, you don’t deserve a shit like my brother…” Jacob reached out and took my hand. The way he spoke, it was like he was trying to spare me pain, protect me. My mouth hung open, confused as Jacob continued. “You are an Angel… he is the Devil and he will do nothing but hurt you… he already has and you don’t even know it…” </p><p> </p><p>“John..” I started to choke out trying to turn around to look up at him. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob wasn’t going to give John a chance to answer, probably because he knew that his little brother would never have willingly confessed the truth. Not about this. “He cheated on you… you know that… right?” Jacob pointed out addressing me and no one else. His words ripped through me like a dagger, yet I was frozen in a fit of silent rage as my brain tried to process everything. Jacob wasn’t giving me that chance. He squeezed my hand getting my attention. Once my eyes were on his again he continued. “After we came here… after you found out you were pregnant…” My hand trembled in his as he spoke. “What kind of man does that? Sleeps with some two bit whore, and that’s all she was… while his beautiful wife is laying in bed at home… waiting for him.” Jacob let go of my hand as I slowly forced my way out of John’s arms before turning around to face him.</p><p> </p><p>My eyes were locked on John’s face. He looked as if he was a trapped animal, scared and knowing it was about to die as I stood before him. Silence hung in the air as my hands clenched into fists before storming towards him. “You fucking bastard…” I snarled, my hands relaxing enough to shove John backwards. He didn’t fight back. Only took it once more as I tried to get some manner of reaction from him. “You promised me! You fucking promised me!” He had cheated on me a handful of times while we were still dating, each time he would come to me after, racked with guilt and beg for forgiveness. He would always tell me and I always forgave him but in that moment I was so angry that forgiveness had no place in my mind. “Do I mean so little to you? Does everything I have done… everything I DO MEAN SO LITTLE” I was screaming as I balled my hands into fists once more this time bringing them down upon his bare chest in a futile attempt to instigate a fight. John caught my wrists, one in each hand, his grip so tight around them to keep me from hitting him I knew there would be bruises in the morning. </p><p> </p><p>“Mary, just listen to me… please…” He begged, his voice shaking. This was not the reaction I wanted. I wanted him to fight me. I wanted him to be as angry as I was. I shook my head as I struggled against him. “Stop it…” He cautioned having to use more of his strength to keep me from hitting him. “You have to just listen to me, please…” He was begging me but I would not hear it. I pulled back from him fighting so hard against the death grip that he had upon my wrists, but John would not relent. “Mary Jane… Darling, please…” </p><p> </p><p>“Let go of me!” I screamed, I hardly ever raised my voice to him but in that moment all I could do was scream and fight. John was trying everything to keep me there but when I kicked his shin it distracted him enough to let go for a moment so I could pull my hands away and shove him. “Fuck you!” I screamed in his face. “You fucking lied to me… act like you love me…you promise me you are not that man any more than you changed! And I trusted you! How fucking stupid am I to ever have trusted John Duncan! Because that’s who you are… that is who you will always fucking be!” I screamed in his face knowing just what to say, what buttons I needed to push to make him hurt. I wanted to make him hurt as much as I was before I started to storm off towards our bedroom. </p><p> </p><p>John didn’t turn to follow me straight off. No, he went at Jacob, not a word of warning just his hands around this throat and pure fury behind his eyes. The brothers began to fight. Joseph was quick to intercede, pulling his brother’s apart just as fast as they began to tousle. I paused and watched as Joseph snarled at them both. “Enough!” Joseph pointed towards me. “You, stay…” I freeze, my arms crossed in front of my robe trying to maintain what little modesty I had left after it had nearly come open in the tousle with John. “This is not how a family acts. If we are falling apart now, what will happen when the Collapse comes? What will happen then? Will we descend into in fighting because we keep the secrets of our sins , attack those we are supposed to protect and let out wrath consume us.” Joseph looked at each of us pointedly as he spoke. We all knew he was right. “Your sins are as much on you, painted as plain as day, as poor Faith’s were…” </p><p> </p><p>First Joseph pointed to John, panting and still caught in a rage as he was leaning against the door frame trying to catch his breath as Joseph stared into his soul. “Pride… Lust… Gluttony…Greed… do I need to go on? you are supposed to be the one our flock confesses their sins to, yet you do not confess your own sins to the woman you claim so often to love... “ John wouldn’t look at Joseph, only the floor as he spoke. “You want to be a better man, a man who deserves the role that he has been given. Confess and atone to the person you have hurt the most..who you will always hurt the most.” He lifted his hand and pointed at me. “You do have a good woman for a wife, we both saw it the moment we met her.” Jacob nodded not looking at John but at me. “Yet, you let your Lust rule you, tempt you to break your marriage vows… you need to atone for those sins, little brother.” John lifted his eyes and glanced back at me. I turned away but I knew from that brief look he gave me that he was a broken and ashamed man. Part of me still believes it was because he was caught but there is part of me that at that time wanted to believe that he felt genuine remorse for his actions. </p><p> </p><p>My eyes followed Joseph as he moved a few feet to his right. Next, was Jacob. He stood defensively, like he wanted to hear none of Joseph’s preaching at this hour and just get back to the matter with the girl. Joseph, however, was never a man to be refused. He placed his hand on Jacob’s chest and looked up at his elder brother. “Envy… brother…  it is written all over your face. Has been since the moment you laid eyes on  Mary Jane. You covet your brother’s wife… you use his trust in you against him... “ I shook my head not wanting to believe this but Joseph at the time was right. “She is kind to you, she is kind to us all. Always has been. I can understand why these feelings grew within you but now… you are letting them drive you.” Jacob glared at Joseph but said nothing. “Purge this from yourself and come to terms that you will never have her, she is not yours to have. Till then there will be no peace in this house and we must have peace, here of all places if we are to prepare for the coming of the Collapse and grow our community so we can survive this final test.” With a nod, Jacob crossed his arms and watched as Joseph turned to me.</p><p> </p><p>Walking towards me with his arms outstretched trying to embrace me but I shook my head,I didn’t want it. I did not want to hear whatever snake oil speech that Joseph was about to give me, but that man has a power.Those icy blue eyes all the Seed men had bore into me as he held out his hand and beckoned me to come to him. I do not know why I did, but my feet were moving before I had time to process what I was doing. The next thing I knew my hand was in Joseph’s and his eyes locked on mine. “Mary Jane, the one John calls sweet… compassionate…. Kind…and yes you are all those things.” With his other hand he reached up and pushed my hair off my cheek, tucking it behind my ear. A tender gesture that should have been comforting but in that moment made my heart race. “But your soul… is filled with Wrath… it radiates off you with the heat of a white hot flame. You hide it well behind kind eyes and thoughtful gestures, but it’s always there… bubbling below the surface waiting for an excuse to show itself.” I believe the phrase is ‘hit the nail on the head’ but I was not going to admit that Joseph then, even now I am not happy about admitting how right he was.</p><p> </p><p> I always had been good at hiding my anger, it was something my mother made sure I knew how to do from a very young and by the time I stood before Joseph. I had become a master.  “You are a very angry woman, Mary Jane. Justified anger I suspect much of it is, but what you want to do with Anger… that is where your Wrathful nature wants to take over. It scares you how much you are like your father.” The accuracy in his statement rattled me to my core. I was my father’s daughter in many ways, but the one I was always most afraid of was being able to go into a blind fury. I would do horrible things and remember none of it. I once tried to stab Colin when I was 13 and he wouldn’t stop picking on my horrible hair cut. I only know this because my mother never let me live it down. My father was the same way, he would get so angry and when he did it was always coupled with violence. I knew this but it was terrifying to think that someone else saw this within me. Joseph stroked my cheek as he smiled softly “You are kind, you try so hard to be so kind to counter this. I know.  I see it in every action you take. You are loyal and compassionate as well, I know this… I see this. I also see the Sorrow… the Pain… the Fury of betrayal.” </p><p> </p><p>For a moment my lips parted but Joseph shook his head. “You know in your heart the man my brother is. That as much as he will try not to, he will always end up hurting you again… in some way.” I nod my head in his hands slowly. Joseph looked saddened by the fact I knew this. “You are such a bright woman, I know you see all this. You see everything that goes on.” I take a long breath in trying not to cry, being overwhelmed with everything that had transpired in such a short amount of time. “A life with John will be one that will test you.You know this life will change you, perhaps make you stronger but first it will break you..” I nod once more, though I did not realize it before that moment. I had known far more than I wanted to consciously admit. “If you stay…” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not leaving…” I muttered softly. As angry as I was with John in the moment I knew that I would find a way to excuse what he had done. I always did. I loved him and as much as I knew he would hurt me. I couldn’t picture waking up next to anyone else. “He is my husband… this is my family and I am not walking away from my family.” My voice shook as I looked over at John who was watching the exchange between Joseph and I closely. </p><p> </p><p>Joseph gave a short nod. “Then, you are a Seed… truly…” He kissed my forehead and let go of my face. As Joseph spoke it felt as if I was blessed in that moment though in truth, it was likely more of a curse. “You are part of this family, an important part. We do need you.” I nod slowly as my eyes fall to John.  “You and John need to talk…” Joseph gestured to John as he turned his attention towards him. “You both need to make peace, John you need to atone for your sins against your wife and I promise you will come through this all stronger. We all will…”  </p><p> </p><p>So much of me wanted to believe what Joseph was saying. I wanted to believe that John and I would go into our bedroom and things would be fixed. We would be stronger and I would be able to look at him without wanting to scream. As I tried to steady myself my mind wandered back to the poor soul in the bathtub. What was going to happen to her? There was no future for her, there would be no atonement for her sins. That innocent girl was lost to us, to the world. Reaching out I touched Joseph’s forearm “What about..” </p><p> </p><p> Placing a tender hand over my own Joseph looked deep into my eyes,“Every kindness will be taken…I promise you.” Joseph answered knowing the question I was going to ask before I could finish it. “Go now and fret no more about that child… you have your own to think of. The future of our family and we need to do everything possible to ensure this child is born into a loving community and a strong, united family.”. I nod once more and he motions for me to head to the bedroom. I felt odd at that moment. Numb from the swells of emotions and overwhelmed by the events. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and forget all this had happened. However, I wish I was that lucky. There would be little sleep and even less peace for me that night. </p><p> </p><p>As I walk past John he reached out to touch me and I shook my head, I was still not ready for that. Not yet. In truth, I wanted to be alone but I knew that was not going to happen. John was not going to sleep till he had made some grand gesture as he always did to try and to somehow make up for whatever horrible thing he had done. I glanced back to see John following behind me a pace or two keeping close but not too close. As we walked into the bedroom I tried not to think about what Jacob and Joseph were about to do with the poor girl they called Faith. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I loosen the tie of my robe as I sat down on the edge of the bed. </p><p> </p><p>John stood by the door, just watching me as I contemplated everything that had just happened. I glanced over at him several times. He was wringing his hand along the back of his neck nervously. I watched as his lips parted, his mind trying to find the words but I stopped him. “I don’t want to know why, or how you were consumed by lust.” I spoke calmly as my hand moved from the bridge of my nose to resting protectively over the bump that had begun to become more apparent of the last few weeks, reminding myself of why I needed to forgive John and also why I didn’t want to know the details of any of it. “I know all your excuses, I have heard them… so many times…” </p><p> </p><p>“Then why do you stay?” he asked earnestly, cutting me off. </p><p> </p><p>I shrugged and shook my head, honestly not having an answer for his question. “I don’t know, John…” I sighed heavily. “I love you and I hope every time you cheat on me it will be the last. I can’t keep doing this, John. I can’t.” A low frustrated sigh escaped my lips as I looked up John. “How many times can I keep hoping this is the last time?” Running my hands through my long dark locks I took in a deep breath trying to suppress the overwhelming urge I had to just scream at him. Doing that, though, would be pointless. It always was.</p><p> </p><p>“This will be… Mary Jane...I…” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t make promises you know you can not keep,” I snap sharply wanting none of his prepared excuses. I usually would listen, push down the anger I felt and force myself to forgive him. This time perhaps it must have been  the hormones or the events of the night, but I had enough of his honeyed words.. “I am tired of hearing the same damn promises over and over again John. For years now… since I was a teenager!” John stood frozen, his eyes cast at the floor as I yelled at him. “I always try to give you good faith, that you are going to be faithful to me .” I let out a frustrated groan. “You can not change John, I know this now…” Tears started to roll down my cheeks as my frustration peaked. “I don’t even think you want to be faithful…” I choked out tilting my head back trying to keep myself from crying harder.</p><p> </p><p>My words struck a nerve with John, maybe it was my tears. I wasn’t one to cry often and I was doing my fair share of it that night. It always made John feel guilty when I cried, because more often than not. He was the cause. He began to cross the room as he declared.“I can and I will..” kneeling down at my feet he looked up at me with this profound fear and sadness in his eyes. My guess is John was convinced I would leave him for this, in spite of what I had said in the hall to Joseph. John reached out and tentatively laid his hand on my thigh.I thought about pushing it aside for a passing moment but then he spoke again “I will…”, his voice was weak, he was scared and in a position I rarely saw him in. Being the one asking for mercy. </p><p> </p><p>I started shaking my head, having heard the same four words so many times, that they had almost become meaningless from him in this situation. “You always say that..” I respond with a frustrated sigh. “I love you so much that I still want to believe you but the logical part of my brain John is telling me you are full of shit. Like always.” John’s hands gripped my thighs as I looked down at him. “We are about to have a child, another person is going to be affected by all this the next time it happens, hell the baby probably already is.” I shouted frustrated and John sunk back on the floor. “The stress of all this… not to mention finding the dead girl in our fucking bathtub! Is probably so wonderful for my pregnancy…” John ran his hand down my leg as he looked up at me with a remorseful look. </p><p> </p><p>He leaned forward and rested his forehead against my knee. “I’m sorry…” he muttered. “For everything… for my brothers, for dragging you into all this, for the fucking dead girl in the bathtub...for cheating on you…again..” He was genuinely apologetic about it all. I finally gave in and ran my hand over the back of his head and I could feel him sigh as I finally touched him. My fingers ran through his hair as I tried to show him that I didn’t hate him in some small way. I was still furious at him but I still loved him.</p><p> </p><p>“John…” I started slowly. “I don’t regret my choices but you regretting yours hasn’t ever been enough to make change.” I sighed heavily as John lifted his head. “I love you, I really do.” My hand ran over his cheek before letting it return to the bed. “But, I have changed the entire course of my life for you, got my family to uproot their lives… for you. Not for Joseph, not for his dream and prophecies, but for you.” My voice was calm, even but John saw the anger behind my eyes as I spoke. “I change everything about my life… our lives… for you to just do the same shit to me… while I am pregnant with your kid..” The frustration was rising in my voice and John reached out and brushed his fingers along the top of my hand. </p><p> </p><p>“I promise this time… all this is going to be different..”He muttered as he looked up at me. His expression was one I hadn’t seen before. Sorrowful but also something I couldn’t put my finger on. “You are the only person I want to be with..” I nodded knowing that in his heart that was the truth, I was fairly certain I was the only person that he had ever loved in a romantic sense. In his heart John wanted to be faithful and I know he would never love another woman. So there was truth to what he said but I knew he would falter again. It had happened so many times not to expect it. </p><p> </p><p>John brushed his fingers against my wedding ring as he looked at me waiting for me to say something. I only sighed and nodded my head not wanting to continue the fight. “Darling, please believe me, what do I have to do to show you I am serious…” I shook my head trying to dismiss him but John wouldn’t let the matter go. His eyes searched around the room for several moments before falling on his jeans and the knife that hung off his belt. “I’ll prove it..”  He scrambled to his feet and strode across the room to the chair where his pants were laid across. He pulled the knife from the leather holder and returned to me. I was shaking my head before he even handed it to me. Sitting down next to me on the bed John held out the knife for me to take. “Take it..” I tried pushing it away but John wouldn’t relent. </p><p> </p><p>“John…” I shook my head knowing what he wanted me to do without him even asking. That’s what that look in his eyes was, that desire to atone. I pushed his hand away and looked up at him helplessly knowing no matter how much I begged he wouldn’t take no for an answer on this matter. “Don’t make me…” I whispered. “Please, John… I can’t.” </p><p> </p><p> John had gone one step further than tattooing his sins for all to see, which had become practice in the Project. A tattoo wasn’t enough for him. He had always had tattoos as long as I knew him, but since Joseph returned into our lives his collection had only grown. I had them as well, some were even done by John who had taken up the practice as a hobby. Though as of late, he had taken things a step further. Carving his sins into his flesh. A step further than just ink, because he told me sins had to be purged with blood. The first was Sloth, but he had done that himself when we were still living in Georgia and it was a jarring thing to stumble upon after coming home from class. Stood over our bathroom sink, my favorite towel soaked in blood and our sharpest knife in the sink. It was an image seared into mind. One I never wanted to witness again. This was a step beyond that, asking me to do this to him. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. I swore that to myself after that night. I wasn’t going to say yes. There was no way. I loved him too much.</p><p> </p><p>“You have to.” He declared, softly taking my hand and placing the knife in it. “I must atone, I betrayed you.” There was no reservation in his voice, his mind was set. I looked down at the knife in my hand, it felt heavier than it could have ever been. It was weighed down with seriousness of what he was asking me to do. I shook my head and placed the knife down on the bed. John slid off the bed and  sunk to his knees before me, his hands running up my thighs. “You have to do this… I need to atone.” There was a tinge of desperation behind his words as his hands kept running up and down my outer thighs as my eyes were fixed upon the blade. </p><p> </p><p>This all seemed absolutely insane to me at the time. How could I do this to the person who I loved more than anything else in the world, even when I was mad at him. He may have cheated on me and yes I was deeply hurt by that but at that point in my life the idea of carving someone's sins into their flesh, seemed abhorrent.  I leaned forward and took his face in my hands and forced him to look at me, desperately making one last attempt to reason with him and escape what he was asking. “Atone with your actions, not with blood.” I made a point to keep my voice soft and calm as I spoke. His eyes closed as he shook his head and I swallowed hard trying to find more words to try and convince him there was another way. “Be a good husband, loyal… I don’t know buy me flowers or jewelry like you used to. Buy me that fancy stroller and car seat set I was looking at. Not this… this will change nothing really. This isn’t going to make you into a better man” I paused and John opened his eyes for a moment. “I want you to be the man I know you are for selfish reasons, because I am tired of feeling like I am not enough for you…” </p><p> </p><p>“You are…” He answered so quickly I questioned if he meant it or if he knew it was what I needed to hear. “I have been plagued by these...urges… since long before I was graced with you in my life. You are my saving grace… you know that. I would have fallen long ago, consumed by sin if you had not smiled at me that night I came into your parents’ bar with Sean.” He lifted his head and reached out to touch my face. “You smiled at me from behind the bar when I walked in and the first thing Sean said to be was ‘don’t sleep with my sister’ and because he said it… you know I had to try but you were so nice, kind, sweet even when I was being such an ass trying to get you to like me.” I remembered that night very well and he was a bit of an ass but he was charming and he was the frist of my brother’s friends that wasn’t scared to even try to get me out on a date. “I knew you were different that night…” </p><p> </p><p>“I am not different, John…” I sighed leaning into his touch. </p><p> </p><p>“You are, you always have been and I should treat you better. Jacob was right. You deserve better than me and I want to be the man that deserves you...more than anything.” I knew I couldn’t argue this point with him. I only closed my eyes as I listened to him continue. “I fight the urges, but lust is a powerful and all consuming sin. It sneaks up on me and I lose myself to it. It must be cut out like a cancer because I fear if it is not it will destroy everything I love… you… this baby..” My bottom lip quivered as I tried to look away but John’s hand guided me back. My eyes were still closed so tightly it burned because I didn’t want to see the look on his face as he said this to me. I knew I could not hold my ground much longer if I did but when he whispered. “Darling, look at me…” I couldn’t help myself and my eyes opened. The man that looked back at me was a desperate and broken man but still the man that I loved. “I can’t lose everything we have, everything I have always wanted, our family…” Tears started to roll down my cheeks as his voice shook talking about our family. “Joseph has let you in… you have to do this because there will be a time when you are called to do more…” </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to hurt you…” I muttered. Shaking my head and rocking back and forth on the edge of the bed. John’s thumb wiped away the tears as they streamed down my cheeks but it was no use. I could not stop crying. I felt helpless and in truth I felt trapped. There was going to be no denying him. I let out of soft pained whimper. “I love you, John… I don’t want to hurt you…” I repeated the words to remind him that proof of love was not pain. </p><p> </p><p>John shook his head as he leaned in and rested his forehead against mine. “Do this because you love me…” He whispered back. “Help me purge this sin from my soul, because I need to be the man that deserves you. I can not be the cause behind Wrath consuming your soul.” I only cried harder at his words as I pulled away for a moment but John scrambled to get a hold of me again. “Mary Jane, baby… please…”  I grimaced as I tried to pull away but John wouldn’t let me turn away. “Say yes… please…” </p><p> </p><p>I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh. As hard as I resisted, as determined as I was to not give in. I knew in that moment. I had no choice. None. I never did. How could I ever say ‘No’ to him. John always knew just what to say, just what to do to get me to say Yes. The tears were still rolling down my cheeks as I finally nodded my head unable to bring myself to say the word at first. I couldn’t look at him, but I could feel his thumb brushing away the tears from my cheek before leaning in to place a tender kiss there. I knew John wanted me to say it, he wanted to hear my acceptance not just see it so weakly,  so I uttered “Yes.” a single syllable possibly changed the course of my life forever that night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Part 4 - Bumps in the Road</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In the aftermath of the death of the first Faith, Mary Jane attempts to put her foot down about wanting to be treated better... but will John even listen because he has plans of his own to atone for his sins against her.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>OOOF, this chapter took so long because I actual ended up splitting this chapter into two because it just kinda took on a life of it's own. Thank you to my dear friend Anthropasaurus who helped me make sure this chapter still made sense and is always my sounding board about the "too much gene"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>To say I came out of that night, with the first Faith, the same person would be a lie. Looking back, that was the night that I really started down the path I find myself still walking down today. I could have left. I could have left the second I found that girl and would anyone have blamed me? No. But I stayed, against all of my better judgement. Which if you are paying attention is something of a running theme of my life, or rather it will be.</span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Also, yes, I did do as John had asked,I took the knife and carved the word ‘Lust’ just above his hip. My hands shook and I was sobbing the whole time. After, I cleaned him up and let him hold me all night as he slept. But I got no sleep that night and if I am honest, little in the nights that followed either. Normally feeling John’s arms around me would have calmed me down, but that night I felt trapped. Trapped in a life that I felt would barrel straight into misery if pushed hard enough and it was being firmly pushed by Joseph at every chance he could get. In the morning I couldn’t look at him. When he tried to kiss me, like he did every morning, I pushed him away. I couldn’t speak a single word to him for nearly a day without bursting into tears. In fact I hardly spoke more than two words to anyone for nearly a week. I sent John to sleep on the couch with a note on the back of a receipt I had found in a pair of his jeans written in eyeliner because I didn’t want to go down stairs and look for pen and paper.  I honestly couldn’t look at him without wanting to cry remembering what he guilted me into doing and I surely wasn’t ready to look upon my handiwork yet. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the end of the week everyone was becoming concerned, with good reason. I refused to speak to any of them, even my own family. John had sent Sean up to try and talk to me but I didn’t even want to talk to him. John had left flowers outside my door with notes telling me how sorry he was and how he just wanted to make things better. I would take the flowers and put them on the nightstand but the notes went in the trash. Jacob had tried to coax me out of the room with the promise of taking me to ‘shoot something that isn’t John’ but I wouldn’t even answer the door. Everyone had tried, everyone failed. I just wanted to fester in my own guilt.</span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As Saturday dawned, a note was slid under the locked bedroom door. I peaked up from behind the blankets when I saw the slip of paper. “Ugh.” I groaned as I tossed the blanket off and crawled out of bed to retrieve it. I took my time walking over, knowing that whoever wrote it, which if I was betting woman I would have put my money on it being John, was on the other side of the door waiting for my response. Bending over, which was not as easy as it had once been, I picked up the note unfolding it as I stood back up. I didn’t even need to look at the note to know it was from John, the ripped piece of yellow legal pad paper gave it away as soon as I got a close enough look. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The note simply said “Shopping?” with John’s credit card tucked inside. I wanted to laugh because this reminded me of what he used to do before we were married, but I stopped myself. There was a part of me that didn’t want to give John the satisfaction of knowing I was even mildly amused by this gesture. Because even now, trying to make things better I couldn’t help but wonder if John was just trying to do something that would make me instantly happy. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You see, if I had one great vice in life, it was that I loved shopping. Perhaps it was because I grew up poor and in a large family but there was something about going shopping without purpose or reason that made me instantly smile. John knew this, he knew this very well. He had in fact been the person who introduced this concept to me. In the past this would have been an easy ‘yes’ for me to say, we would have driven into Atalanta and John would have spent several thousand dollars in an afternoon in a sound attempt to make me forget whatever was his latest indiscretion. It would work too.  Now, it was different. It wasn’t just me who I had to consider. We were going to be parents, God help us. That was a terrifying thought then and it still is now. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I opened the door to find John leaning against the frame with a victorious grin playing on his lips. In his mind, he had won some small victory for just getting me to open the door. “Don’t look so smug.” I quipped softly as I folded the note back up and held out his credit card for him to take it. Trying my best to put on a wholly unamused face but even that faltered when our eyes met before John shook his head. There was nothing more that I wanted to do in that moment than to pretend like all this hadn’t happened and tell him to come hold me, but that shouldn’t happen. I shouldn’t just let him smile at me and pretend like he didn’t cheat on me or manipulate me into...what he did. I sighed heavily as I thrust the card at him again. “We have joint accounts, if I really wanted to do damage to our bank accounts I would have done it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fair point, but I want us to go out… together… today… just for a little bit.” John smirked as he spoke taking advantage of the first opening he had to try and mend things in over a week. He reached out to try and touch me but I took a step back not quite ready for that yet and John simply nodded his head acknowledging that it was my right to pull away. It was the first sign that I could see that he knew what he did was wrong.  “Just. Mary, please get dressed and humor me, we will go have lunch at the nicest place we can find in this podunk county and make a proper day of it…” I shook my head unsure if I was even ready to be around people as I thrust his card at him again. John took it with a sigh. “At least you spoke more than two words to me…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sad look on his face caused me to pause. He looked like a sad child with his normally sharp blue eyes cast downward and filled with sorrow and remorse. A single look made me waiver in my conviction that I wasn’t going to let him back in so easily, but I remembered. I am the only person he has that truly has his best interests before that of the Project or even themselves. I let out a ragged sigh knowing in that moment, I would end up going with him, but he would have to work for it. “I didn’t say no.” I mumbled as I turned my back and walked back into the bedroom and towards the dresser. John stood in the doorway waiting for me to invite him into his own room, but it was a show of respect I wasn’t expecting. I waved my hand letting him know it was alright to come in as I opened the middle drawer of my dresser. I pulled out a simple black dress with small embroidered white flowers on it and clean underwear before turning back to see John standing at the end of the bed, his hand gripping the top of the bedpost. I let out a sigh. “So where do you want to take me?” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John smiled a tentative, almost nervous smile like he was scared to tell me. In that very moment I knew he had done something stupid and grand but I wasn’t expecting what it was. “Something I am looking at possibly buying, but I don’t want to put an offer in without the missus’ approval.” The way he shrugged as he was trying to minimize the whole thing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was shocked. “A house?” I muttered genuinely surprised. We had been talking about getting our own house since I found out I was pregnant but nothing more had come of it. Joseph would always reiterate the importance of keeping our family close and John would stop talking about it for a week or two. The fact that recent events had pushed him to move forward was a step I honestly, didn’t expect him to make. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John lifted his hand and waved it as if to say ‘house’ was likely not the right word. “It’s a Property… it’s more than just a house… this is just a house…” He gestured around the room before his eyes fell back on me. I sighed and instantly started wondering what possibly getting this house was going to entail. “It’s going to take some very clever maneuvering but I think I found the perfect place…” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why now?” I questioned softly. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You said we need our own place...I wanted to…” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” I asked sharply, cutting him off. My harsh tone took John aback. He was not used to me ever speaking to him in such a tone. “Make up for the horrible shit you did to me….” I snapped frustrated, shaking my head. I was hurt, there was no missing that in my words or tone, and if he did the pained expression on my face. “And not just that night or this time...for years…” There were many times that John’s logic made little sense to me and this was one of those moments. I let out a ragged sigh as I looked up at him. “You can’t just throw money at this and have things be okay, John. Not anymore.” I started slowly trying to keep my tone in check, but the pent up anger and frustration tainted every word. This moment had been years in the making and this was honestly just the tipping point. “You fucking had me so twisted that night, so wrapped up in what I had to do to make you feel better. Never thinking about what it was going to do to me… the woman you supposedly love so much.” I still tried so hard to maintain an even tone but my voice went just a tad higher when I said the word love, mostly because at that moment. I didn’t feel like he did at all. “You used my own emotions against me and you want to buy a house to make up for it?” I shook my head in disbelief as I tossed the clothes onto the bed. This logic was so screwed up and a remnant of his upbringing with the Duncans and I knew this. Normally I would have forgiven him and told him that all was well, but this time I couldn’t. Or at least I thought I couldn’t. Looking over at him I let out a heavy sigh as my hands tensed, “Do you not see how this is just messed up, John?” I asked genuinely curious to see if he could see the flaws in his own behavior. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John let out a long sigh, “I want to prove to you that I am going to change and change our situation.” He seemed genuine as he spoke. John usually did, he could make an outright lie sound like the gospel. There was part of me that wanted to believe he was feeding me a line. A greater part of me however, wanted to do as I always did and believe him at face value. I sighed as I sunk back on the bed, my hands folding in my lap listening as he continued.” The first step is getting us out of this house and into someplace that is your domain. Not anyone else's.” I let out a small huff of a breath as I shrugged not fully believing that any house that we lived in truly would be mine. Joseph would always have some claim to it, I knew it. “I swear, nothing will go on in that house without your say, I swear it.” John was really trying his best to show he was attempting to change. “You would be Queen of the Castle…” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And that makes you King…” I huffed only mildly amused suppressing the urge to roll my eyes at his corny comment. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But the King is nothing if not the Queen’s humble servant…” Part of me wanted to hit him for that devilish smirk he gave me before he chuckled softly as he shifted his weight leaning on the bedpost. It was such a corny line, that really shouldn’t have worked as well as it did. “I may have read that very trashy romance novel that you left on the coffee table…” He was trying to distract me, I knew that but I still chuckled softly. I think he saw this as a small victory, because in the grand scheme of things it was. I looked up at him for the first time without anger or frustration behind my gaze and John noticed this. He leaned forward and smiled, that devilish smile of his once again. “Just let me take you by the property, I was out driving around a few days and stumbled upon it and it’s perfect…” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I contemplated what this would all mean if I agreed. Would John think that we are back to the way things were. I knew the way John’s mind worked well enough to know that I was going to have to really point out that none of this could, or really should make up for his behavior. “If I agree to go see this place, big if…” I started slowly and John nodded his head listening to my every word. “This does not make things between us okay… I am still really upset about all that happened.”</span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John nodded his head slowly, “I know, I am not expecting this to make up for anything… but you were right.” My eyes grew wide as his admission. He nodded his head before I could even say anything. “Yes, I know…” He muttered with a soft huff raising one of his hands to silently ask me not to rub salt in this particular wound. “The stress of being here, dealing with my brothers and Joseph’s plans. It is not good for you or the baby. I have been letting Joseph’s vision for the Project cloud my judgement.” His words were so sincere that I couldn’t help but give him a soft smile as he spoke. “I need to put my family…” He paused and gestured between us. “our family… ahead of the needs of the larger </span>
  <em>
    <span>family</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” John seemed a little uncomfortable trying to explain his feelings on the matter which only spoke to the fact that there was sincerity behind his words. I was taken aback by his conclusion but not in a bad way, in a pleasantly surprised way. This was not the shift I had expected to see, but it was the one I had hoped for. “So the first step in </span>
  <em>
    <span>showing</span>
  </em>
  <span> you that I am trying to put our family first, is finding </span>
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    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span> a home of our own..” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I nodded my head slowly agreeing with his points, I was still skeptical. John could, and still can, talk a very good talk but would he really live up to the promises. I needed a plan. “What’s the next step?” I was very curious about how he had planned to show me that he was going to change his behavior. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Letting you do an absurd amount of shopping and telling Joseph to shut up when we come home and, or, the boxes arrive…” He smiled warmly trying to win me over and I gave him a skeptical glare back still contemplating how sincere all this was. He was trying, I knew that but he also had to have known that I was not going to be happy with just that. Leaning forward he looked me square in the eyes as he reached out for me. “And then I am spending the rest of my life trying to prove to you I am never going to put you in that position again… because I was wrong to ever have done that, among many other things to you… and I am not going to do it again.” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I took a long deep breath as I contemplated his words. They sounded sincere enough, I really wanted to trust him. What is a marriage or any relationship without trust? There was nothing more I wanted than to believe him, but it was going to be a leap of faith to do so. I had to decide if that leap was worth the risk.</span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John waited, watching me as I shifted on the bed before I slowly nodded my head. I knew that no matter what, I couldn’t just walk away. I was all John had really, his brothers cared but only so much and in the grand scheme of things. We had been our own family for longer than John had been one of the Seeds again. I felt like I was the last person and perhaps the only, to have ever loved John unconditionally and who was I to turn my back on him now? So I took a leap of faith, not in God… but in my husband. “Alright…” I sighed looking up at him. “We can go see the house and maybe we can go to Target after…” John tried to hide how happy he was at my answer but his face lit up as soon as I had agreed. The way he stood, perched on the balls of his feet I almost expected him to start jumping up down like an excited child. Instead, he sat down next to me on the bed, his weight on the bed causing me to shift toward him. He reached out tentatively to take my hands. I almost pulled back, but let him take them. It had been days since we had been this close. I hadn’t realized till that moment how much I missed the feel of his thumb brushing against the back of my hand. Such a small, simple gesture reminded me why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. He had a good heart. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John at his core was a very kind and loving person, he just never learned how to love without hurting the person he loved. Because, every person before me who loved John did nothing but hurt him. I couldn’t turn my back on him and just be another person to abandon him, to add to all that pain in his life. So it would mean my own pain in the end but if it meant keeping one part of him from being consumed by all that pain in his life, then so be it. I don’t regret not walking away. I never will.  </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We sat in silence for a few moments before John brought my hands to his lips and kissed my fingers. I tried not to smile at the gesture but it’s hard not to when someone does it. As he brought my hands down he smiled back at me and there was part of me that was less angry at him than I had been when he walked in the room. He sighed as his eyes fell on my pile of clothes. “I’ll let you get dressed then.” He began slowly, “Meet you downstairs?” I nodded with a soft smile. John didn’t seem to want to let go of my hands, his eyes focusing intently on them. Just when I thought he was going to let them go he noticed I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. “Where’s your ring?” He was nervous, I could tell from just the tone in his voice. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I never wear it when I am in bed, remember we thought I lost it in that hotel we stayed at on our honeymoon.” I reminded him gently as I nodded my head towards the nightstand. “It’s in the dish on my nightstand, where I always put it before I go to bed.” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Taking in a deep breath John nodded slowly, “I was worried.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I let out a soft chuckle at the thought, though it was more of a nervous chuckle than anything else. “I took it off because I want to divorce you…” I joked but John did not like that joke in the least.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t even joke about that, Mary Jane.” He whispered as he squeezed my hands. “I hope it never comes to that, because it would destroy me.” He confessed as his blue eyes were still focused on my hands. “These last few days, you not speaking to me… not even letting me see you. I haven’t known what to do with myself.” He admitted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“John,” I started as I searched for the words. “I just needed time, space… it’s not about me not loving you. In fact it’s like the opposite. It’s because I love you so much that I couldn’t believe that I actually...fucking… did that.” I explained, the feeling of the knife in my hand still made my skin crawl thinking about it. “That’s not me… that is never going to be..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John let go of my hands and quickly put his own up in defense. “Darling, I promise.” His answer again was so quick I couldn’t help but question it’s honesty. “I was ashamed and Joseph…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He gets inside your head.” I finished as I reached out and took his hands in my own trying to show him in some small way that it was going to be okay. “John, am I happy about it. No. But I am not going to turn tail and run, okay?” John just looked at me almost like a helpless child. “Babe...babe…” I let go of his hands and scooted down the bed, reaching for the nightstand. I snatched up my wedding ring and slipped it on my finger. “See…” I said holding my hand up as I scooted back towards him, my knee touching his leg this time. I ran my hand down his arm. “John, we need to get the fuck out of here…we need our own space away from all this not because I hate playing maid to your brother’s but because he gets into your head all the time.” I tried to keep my voice down even though Joseph made me furious with his power to twist people, including myself. “We can still just...walk away… go to New York or anywhere really…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t lose them again, Mary…” He whispered. “I believe in what Joseph has heard. I believe God spoke to him, why else would we all...even you.. Have suffered so much?” He asked so earnestly it made me want to cry. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“John...” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He shook his head. “This is why we need this house. This is why if you love this house as much as I think you will, darling I will move every mountain I have to get us that house before this baby is born. I promise.” Just from the way he leaned forward, resting his hand on the side of my thigh as he spoke, I could tell he meant every word and knowing just how ruthless John could be. I didn’t doubt for a moment he could. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My hand ran up his arm, over his shoulder before cupping his cheek. “But first, you need to take me to go see this fabled house. Which means I need to get out of you clothes…” I laughed as John’s eyes fell to the baggy t-shirt and sweatpants. “See, I did miss you. They aren’t even clean. That’s the sad part.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> John chuckled inwardly as he leaned into my touch before taking my hand, placing a tender kiss across the knuckles. “I’ll see you down stairs then, no rush. Just take your time.” He finished with a smirk on his lips as he stood up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” I responded softly as I watched John walk over to his dresser and pulled out a clean shirt. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just going to grab this..” He muttered holding up the shirt before he closed the drawer and then slipped out of the room closing the door behind him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I let out a heavy sigh as I fell back on the bed. I couldn’t believe that John was going to try and buy, buy is probably a very wrong word, acquire us a house to try to show how serious he was about changing. With a small huff I sat up and began to change. I ended up adding a pair of black leggings under the dress when I realized just how short that particular dress was. Once dressed I went over to my other dresser and stood in front of the mirror. I glanced down at my make-up, all neatly laid out. I hadn’t worn much make-up in months, Joseph said that it was a sign of “pride” but he wasn’t a woman who had been crying for days with dark circles under her eyes the size of Texas. With a deep breath I reached for my makeup bag and brushes and began to do my makeup for the first time in months. It took me far longer than I had expected, admittedly I was a little more out of practice than I believed but by the end of it I felt like a different woman. I let my hair down and ran my brush through it quickly making sure it looked just right.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Taking a step back I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked more like myself than I had for some time, perhaps since we had left Georgia over a year before. If we weren’t likely to be walking a fair bit that day I would have put on heels but instead I figured flats would be a smarter choice. I turned to look for a particular pair that I kept under the bed when I caught a glimpse of my silhouette from the side. I let out a soft “Oh...” I noticed that what was once a fairly loose dress was not so loose as it once had been. For the last few weeks, even before everything with John, I had been pretty much living in oversized t-shirts and hoodies. I knew I was starting to show, but I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes yet, not when I was actually wearing clothes. Stopping I put my hand over my little bump and smiled. “So Daddy wants to buy us a house to make up for things… which has always been his way.” I mused softly thinking about our child’s future. “Why do I have a feeling you are going to be spoiled rotten...” Laughing softly I turned back towards the bed and knelt down pulling the pair of shoes out. With a low groan I stood back up and tossed my shoes down on the floor before sliding them on. “Now… we go downstairs… should I be afraid of what am going to find the state of the house in?” I had been down there a few times, to get food and water but no longer than a few minutes and I tried not to look around. The kitchen had been a wreck that morning and I didn’t want to think about how long that was going to take me to clean up but I wasn’t going to be able to stay in this room forever. Nor was I going to tackle that particular problem on that day.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My purse was downstairs but I stopped at the closest on the way out to grab a light sweater. It was spring but being in the mountains there was still a chill in the air. Not enough for a proper jacket, but enough that I knew I would need something. As soon as I opened the door I could hear voices echoing from the living room. More than just John and his brothers. Pausing at the top of the stairs I listened. I could make out my Father’s distinctive brogue and that surely meant my mother was there as well. “Please tell me the whole fucking family is not downstairs...oh fuck..” I whispered as I nearly turned around to go hide in the bedroom but I couldn’t. A promise was made and who was I to tell John to be a better person if I backed out of our plans because my family was there. With a deep breath I decided to descend the stairs and face whatever fresh hell Catherine MacKenna had in store for me. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you want to know about Mary Jane or see any drabbles, HC's or whatever I haven't gotten up on here, please wonder over to my Tumblr @deathvalleyqueen where I post all MJ's stuff...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. part 5 - Oh, Brother</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>John takes Mary Jane to go see the ranch for the first time.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>AH the next part is here, you get to meet Bobby and Sean, two more of MJ's brothers and over all this is pretty light and actually pretty fluffy chapter. So I hope you all enjoy &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I have always been uneasy walking into a room, this is something that has been with me from childhood. I think it’s par for the course with being the youngest and often being the object of my brothers’ torments. You would think it would make me impervious to this fear of “what the hell am I going to find when I walk in there” but my mother made sure I only knew how to hide it, not that the fear wasn’t there.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As I reached the bottom of the stairs all eyes were on me. Sure enough John was sat in an armchair. Shirt changed to a dark grey button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows like he always did. Next to him were my brothers Sean and Bobby on the couch with Jacob. My Father sat in the second armchair. All their eyes fixed upon me but my mother was nowhere in sight. “Where’s Ma?” I asked quickly with my eyes going directly to my father knowing he of all people would have my answer. Even just the thought of my mother being hidden around a corner waiting to rip into me for being ‘lazy’ and ‘not keeping the house’ over the course of the last week was enough to make my heart race and panic rise in my chest. “Where the fuck is Ma, don’t fuck with me… I am in no mood for her to start with me…” My eyes grew wide and focused on John. “John… where is she?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus, Mary Jane. would ya just calm down, she is off with Colin and Joseph doing some shite at that bloody convent.” My father explained as he stood up to greet me. “Now, that’s fucking settled.” He looked at me with his arms open wide. “Come give your poor ol’ Da a hug. I haven’t heard a single fucking word from ya in a week and with my heart,” He placed his hand over his heart and I could help but chuckle softly. He knew just how to make me feel just guilty enough but still love him for it. “You had me worried something fierce,” I rolled my eyes at his guilt trip, only earning me a chuckle and head shake from my father as he pointed out. “The sass on this one… are you sure you want to keep her Johnny?” My father teased.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Very much so.” John answered, slowly nodding his head as he tried not to laugh. “She is the mother of my child after all.” He played into my father’s joke.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aye, you have a point there, son…” My father laughed before beckoning me over to him once more. I walked over to him with my sweater draped over an arm as I used the other to hug him. He kissed my cheek and held me tightly. It never mattered how old I got, I still always felt so small in my father’s arms yet so protected. A warm smile grew across my lips as I took in the warm comfort only he could provide, because dad hugs are different. Particularly when you have been going through a difficult time. If my father had come to my door that past week I would have let him in, but he knew what I really needed. To be left alone, because I am just like him in that respect. He let out a little tut as he gestured towards me. You look rather done up.  “You look rather done up, particularly for someone who has taken to locking herself in that bloody room.” He noted with a sly smirk as he pushed me back to get a better look at me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I laughed and did a small spin for him to humor him before he pulled me back into his arms shaking his head with a soft amused chuckle. “Da, I am allowed to want to look like I once belonged to a civilized society,” I quipped as my father kissed my cheek. “I used to wear custom made dresses, nothing off the rack. This is from fucking Macy’s…” I laugh softly. “I am slumming it… like the rest of you”  My eyes dart over to John who is watching my every move. He let out a small chuckle as he shook his head. </span>
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<p>
  <span>My brother, Bobby, laughed as he leaned back stretching his arms above his head as an impish grin played on his lips, “Wait wait wait. Since when were you civilized, MJ? When you were dancing on bars or snorting coke in the bathroom at the club with this asshole?” He asked as he continued to laugh and point towards John who looked like he was about to hit him. Sean turned to him and without a change of expression, slapped the back of Bobby’s head, beating John to the punch. “Oww you fucker!” Bobby exclaimed his voice going just a little higher than his normal speaking voice as he rubbed the back of his head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The fuck is wrong with you? That’s our sister your fucking talking about.” My other brother Sean snapped before Bobby even had a chance to finish what he had been saying. Sean was older than Bobby by just two years and Bobby only 11 months older than I was. We were closer than the older boys simply because we were closer in age and always together. Sean always felt it was his job to keep Bobby in line, and usually Bobby needed whatever Sean had to dish out. “Stop being an ass and I wouldn’t have to hit you,” Sean answered with a heavy sigh before turning to Jacob. “We should get going though, we have to meet with Jimmy and Mac… to do the things…” Sean said waving his hands like he didn’t think I knew what ‘the things’ were. I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know about guns, just say the words Sean like a big boy..” I shook my head, truly not believing that Sean wouldn’t just say the words. I felt shut out enough by the Seeds, I didn’t want to be played the fool by my own flesh and blood. “You think I am dumb don’t you… that some how me being pregnant what? Made me stupid as fucking Bobby?I have always been the pretty face and everyone fails to see I am the only one paying attention half the time.” I snark as I shake my head lifting my hands. “I am the smartest one of all of us and don’t fucking forget that. You five idiots would be dead or in fucking jail.” John was trying not to laugh and so was Jacob watching us fight. John had seen this particular scene play out dozens of times over the course of our relationship, always the same debate. Everyone, including him, tried to shelter me when I was often the only person with the larger picture in mind. “Without me, and actually without him too!” I gesture to John who just smiles and waves his fingers earning him a scoff from his own brother. “How many nights would Bobby have had to spend in jail? You think that all those times those charges got dropped, what? Hmm? The fucking get out of Jail free fairy waved her magic fucking wand.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Calm the fuck down, MJ,” Bobby snapped, his nose scrunching up like it did before he would deck me when we were kids but I knew he wasn’t that stupid now. Well, I hoped he wasn’t. “You need to just like, sit down or something.” No, in fact Bobby was still just as stupid as he always had been. John looked directly at his own elder brother who was just shaking his head knowing the hell that was about to be unleashed on Bobby. His eyes shifted to me as my pale blue eyes focused on Bobby with intent to put him back in his place. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please tell me you did not just say what I think you just said, Robert?” I started stepping away from my father and towards my brother. “You better have not said that fucking sexist ass shit to me, me who fucking helped you get out of so much shit since we were kids. Who was your fucking alibi for EVERYTHING since I was seven years old.” I screamed. I know now that a lot of this was me projecting my anger of the larger situation onto my brother in that moment, but damn did it feel good. “Do not… ever.. Fucking tell me to sit down.” Bobby sunk back into the couch as our father reached out and took my hand. I slapped it away at first. “You are the one that sits the fuck down, and you stay down… know your your fucking place.” My father this time forcefully grabbed my hand giving me no chance to get further riled up. John was perched on the edge of his seat ready to jump up and intervene if he had to, but my father waved him off as well. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My father pulled me back towards him, tisking disapprovingly as he did so. “Getting this riled isn’t good for my grandbaby so you let me handle these boys of mine.” He patted my arm before turning his full attention back to my brothers. “Aye, it was real fucking funny you picking on her when you lot were little but it’s not any more.” My father began slowly as he stood directly before Sean and Bobby. “This shite has got to stop, right now. Hear me?” My brothers nod. “I can’t believe you do this shite Bobby after everything she and Johnny have done for you lot over the years.” Our father shook his head as he looked at Bobby with disappointment in his eyes. “I never understood why your mother encouraged it, but you listen here..” My father leaned in. “You want to keep given your sister shite, you are gonna be sleeping out in the fucking cold Robert. Understood?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Bobby grumbled as he crossed his arms looking at the floor. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Also, why do you think your sister some daft fool, for fucks sake?” Our father snapped pointing to Sean. “She was doing the books for the bar while you were at your fancy fucking school, eh. She could cook books better than you back then and I would wager that she could do the same now.” John nodded to Sean who sighed, shaking his head. Knowing full well that our father was speaking the truth.  “It’s true and you know it. Our Mary knows more about the business side of things, the real business than any of you lot. Don’t forget it.” My father turned to me and gave me a warm smile before kissing my forehead. “She was the one I always had planned to take over the bar, the business, the lot of it because she is the only one of yas that was graced with a brain between ya ears. Understand that.” Both my brothers nodded like they used to when our father would scold them as children. He took the same tone, so their reaction was more muscle memory than anything else. It had to be. I watched as my father chuckled darkly. “Don’t be acting all high and mighty with your sister, now.”  As my father spoke, my brother who both normally were proud bordering on arrogant men, sunk back into the couch like children caught in a lie. Cementing my feeling that they were the ones being taken back to our strict up-bringing, except their discipline was always at the hands of our father. When my father noticed, a broad, smug shit eating grin grew across his lips. “Aye, don’t forget this moment either… when you realized your wee little sister is smarter and more capable than either of you, certainly your dumb shite brothers and probably this lot too.” He chuckled, gesturing between John and Jacob.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jacob who had been silent this whole time nodded his head. “You may have a fair point, John?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shrugging John leaned back in the chair lifting his hands. “Listen, I am on thin ice with her as is,” He looked at me smirking before turning back to address his eldest brother. “Do you really think I am suddenly going to play devil’s advocate and say no my wife, who got better grades than I did and a higher score on the LSAT than I did is not smarter than I am… then you think I am far more of a fool than I actually am.” Sean started chuckling as John finished. “See, you know this is the truth.” John pointed at Sean.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh I saw her scores and I saw yours too… both times,” My brother laughed at John. From the way John swatted at Sean, I don’t think he got the joke. “Alright… I mean. You haven’t been in all this in a long time MJ..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John chuckled inwardly as Sean looked over at him a little confused why John was sudden’t so amused.. “It’s adorable you think she became so innocent when we got together…” Even that had me laughing which made everyone else in the room look very confused. “Oh, they never knew did they?” John asked as he looked directly at me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A coy smile graced my lips, I shrugged trying to put on my best innocent face. “I know nothing of what you speak of husband.” I said mocking the fact they all thought me so innocent. “I am just a simple dumb housewife…” I reached up and began twirling a strand of my hair as I stuck my chest out trying to play a bit of bimbo. I caught John starting to laugh. “And like I don’t have thought in this pretty little head…” I drop the act and cross my arms stepping away from my father. “I know...all..” I snarked looking at Sean straight in the eyes. “Don’t forget it.” My father reached out and pulled me back into a huge.</span>
</p>
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<p>
  <span>“Aye ya proved your point my girl, ya proved your point.” he kissed my cheek and looked back at the boys. “It is time we get going.” My father leaned in and whispered. “Them Russian lads that come out from New York are very prompt fellows, don’t like none of the mucking about.” I turned slowly to look at my father and narrowed my eyes. He knew that I didn’t like working with mafia proper, they were tricky and often ones who would and could totally screw us over. My father could see the words I wanted to say as clear as if they were painted across my face. “Aye, I know, but your lad’s family wants things we can’t get from your Uncles. That’s just the matter my dear.” I let out a ragged sigh as I shook my head, my eyes falling on John, then darting to Jacob who was the more likely person to want the items my father was alluding to. As he kissed my cheek, he whispered “Secrets don’t make families, love. The Seeds need to learn that lesson.” I nodded my head as I pursed my lips. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My father lifted his arms as I stepped away from him signaling the men that were going with him they better get ready. I debated pushing this issue with the guns with John but when I saw the way he was looking at me as my brothers bantered back and forth while my Father looked for his keys behind me, I knew I couldn’t ruin today. He had this look of pure longing, he missed me. I missed him, I would be lying to say I didn’t. It had not been a good week for either of us. We both needed something good to happen that day. </span>
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<p>
  <span>I ran my hand over my stomach absentmindedly as I watched this new life of ours play out for a few moments more. With the others distracted for a moment with their own conversations, I turned toward John. Smirking, I turned to my side and held my hands up so he, and everyone else in the room, could see the very obviously little bump. “I think I don’t just look like I have just put on weight now…” I watched as John clasped his hand over his mouth hiding the broad smile as he leaned back in the chair. My brothers stopped talking and turned to see me, both of them smiling bright. Even Jacob cracked a momentary smirk. My father beamed like the proud grandfather he would be in a few short months. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bobby jumped off the couch and raced to my side. He gestured to the bump excitedly but his excitement only worried me. “It’s actually evidence that John has in fact gotten it in once in his life…” he declared as he put his hand on my stomach. I promptly smacked him on the back of the head. For two big reasons, one for touching me, two for the his stupid jab at John. “Ow! The fuck, MJ?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Stopping being a shithead…John gets it in more than you do so why don’t you just shut your trap.” I pursed my lips and I caught Jacob chuckling softly out of the corner of my eye.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My brother let out a disgusted groan. “BUT HE FUCKS YOU! AHHH NO NO NO!” He shouted, being far too dramatic like he had always been. I laughed at his display, shoving him away. Still mocking a massive disgust he scurried towards the door, my father following him shaking his head. I am sure about to give him the what for on the way to his SUV. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we not have this conversation, ever, fucking ever…. please…” Sean shook his head as he stood up and started towards the door. “I don’t want to hear about how my sister has or has not had sex with her husband slash my best friend...thank you.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John started laughing darkly as he gestured to Sean. “You lived with us for six months, our bedrooms shared a wall Sean!” He exclaimed laughing softly. “You of all people…” Sean put his hand up to silence John as he spoke not wanting to relive the mental images he dealt with for years. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sean gave a horrified look to Jacob. “I knew about his sex life...before he started sleeping with my baby sister…My 18 year old…baby sister...” Jacob shuddered and shook his head. “My feelings exactly my friend…my feelings exactly.” Sean went to pat Jacob on the shoulder but stopped short holding his hand up. Jacob gave him a nod of approval to allow the friendly pat. Sean’s eyes got wide as he looked at me as he patted Jacob’s shoulder two times. “This, is like getting a fucking gold star from the mean nun in Sunday school.” Sean chuckled as he pulled his hand back.</span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You were funny, don’t push your luck.” Jacob grumbled as Sean walked past him nodding. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Noted.” He said with a smirk and I could see John behind him shaking his head. Sean paused as he walked past me. He reached out and took my hand. He smiled his goofy smile that always reminded me of when I was a kid and he would help me out of whatever situation the older boys had stuck me in. He was still my pain in the ass big brother, but he was the one I knew that would come running if I screamed help. I knew he had been worried about me over the last week before he even said anything from the look on his face along. His eyes were focused on my face, he could see just how much makeup I had put on to look like myself. “Are you really okay?” He whispered. I nodded as I patted his hand trying my best to show him in some small way everything was fine. With a sigh, that made me feel like he didn’t fully believe me, he rubbed my forearm, conceding that I was ‘okay’ as much as I could be.  “I am glad to see you are okay, next time just call me. I got an apartment in Fall’s End now…It’s one bedroom but ya know…It’s away from this.” He gestured to the house and glanced back over his shoulder at John who was talking with Jacob quickly before he left with my family. “You still can..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We are going to talk about this later, but that’s good to know.” I smiled softly at my big brother as he kissed my cheek. I knew he was worried but I also knew there was part of him that no matter how good of friends he was with John, that he wanted to get me the hell out of this situation. We were the most alike and neither of us were built for what this ‘Project’ was becoming, it was either change who we were or run. He knew I couldn’t run and I knew he wouldn’t leave me to the wolves.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> I looked up at him hoping that being the person who managed John’s money that John would have come to him already about this whole house situation. “Please tell me you know something about this house?” I whispered trying to make sure John wouldn’t hear me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sean trying not to laugh at my question, “A House is not what this place is, he took me out yesterday to see it… it’s not a house…” I looked at Sean wide eyed and he sighed. We grew up modest, we both had become accustomed to nicer things. Sean had worked hard for a financial group and ended up becoming John’s personal accountant shortly before Joseph showed up. We both loved the comfort and security the money brought, but we also were always painfully aware of the excess of it all as well. As much as we wanted it, we also mocked it. Sean raised his eyebrows and wobbled his head before leaning in, “It’s 'I want to play cowboy but have more money than brains' ranch. He says he wants to remodel it, put in a hanger for planes.” My face the moment he said planes dropped as I peered around his shoulder. Sean grabbed me and pulled me back to look at him. “MJ, for the love of god don’t let him know I told you, look surprised or whatever.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What is his game?” I was more confused about why he wanted to go with such an excessive house when Joseph had been preaching about living modestly. It was why we were living in his outdated farmhouse and not in the much nicer place we had found originally that my family was living in . Sean shrugged to answer and I let out a frustrated sigh. “Really he hasn’t said anything to you?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope,” Sean shook his head with an unphased expression on his face. “You would have a better bet with his brothers these days.” I nodded slowly, knowing that my brother’s observation was spot on. Where John once turned to Sean on most matters, now it was more often Joseph he turned to when he needed guidance and that made part of me afraid. I let out a long sigh as my brother pulled me into a hug knowing I desperately needed one. “I’ll come get you tomorrow, we’ll go back to my tiny little shit hole of an apartment. I'll make pot noodles and I’ll fill you in…” I nodded agreeing silently to his plan. Sean kissed my cheek as he let me take a step back before patting my belly. “This… still makes me nervous… you and John  being parents…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shh, don’t start, go save Bobby from our father,” I mutter as I shove him towards the door with a laugh. Watching John and Jacob talk it looked as though Jacob was doing the majority of the talking. I didn’t want to interrupt so I walked over to the table where my purse sat and picked it up. As I turned around I saw Jacob walk past without saying a word. I was a little hurt that he didn’t at least say something but things were still tense in the house and particular between John and him. Especially in matters related to me, apparently. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once Jacob had joined my father and brother’s outside, leaving us alone. John strode over and reached around me to pull his keys out of the bowl where they usually sat. He looked down at me and smirked, “You look beautiful…” It was that boyish smirk he had that always tugged on just the right heartstrings to make me feel like a teenager again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Looking up at him, with what I am sure was my own dreamy expression I sigh. “Yeah?” I asked back softly, playing coy. He nodded as he reached out and brushed his hand across my stomach. He looked down at me with such awe as he rested his hand protectively over the small but noticeable bump. My hand moved to cover his as he leaned in as if he was going to kiss my cheek but stopped and waited. I gave one short nod, his permission granted he leaned in and placed a tender kiss on my cheek. I leaned into him for a moment missing the closeness we had and it was more than obvious that I wasn’t the only one.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John pressed his forehead against mine as we both looked down at our hands. “I told you last week that you were starting to really show,” He whispered softly. “Before you know it you will be complaining that their foot is in your ribs.” He jested with a smirk as he offered his hand. He wasn’t wrong either, in truth it would feel like a no time at all before the baby was here. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I didn’t hesitate in taking his hand. My fingers interlaced with his as I settled up against his side. I wasn’t expecting myself to want to take it but I missed John. I missed being close to him.  We were almost always together when he was not with his brothers or mine. I honestly think we hadn’t spent a night apart since I had moved in with him before this week. It was amazing how such a short absence from my life made me realize how much I longed to be near him.  Leaning in I rested my cheek against his shoulder and sighed. “It’s real this time… isn’t it?”  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The baby?” John laughed softly slightly amused as he glanced down at me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I nod as I sigh once more.”The baby, us really staying here...doing all this…” I pulled back to look up at him. “Looking at the house… my brothers going off with yours… like, all this is real…” It really was the reality of having this baby, looking at some place to make our new home and Jacob walking out the door with my brothers that made it sink in. We were not just a part of Eden's Gate, my family was part of the foundation of the Project at Eden’s Gate. A big part. An important part. It’s even jarring now to think about this fact looking back, but at that moment it was the first time I came to this conclusion. “We are really doing this…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John turned to me and brushed his hand along my cheek, “It’s all very real… but if going to see the house is too much..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I placed my hand on his chest as I looked up at him wide eyed. “No, I want to see this place…” I replied quickly which only made John chuckle as he nodded his head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow knowing me all too well. “But..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But, don’t you feel like this could all end badly… “ I started softly letting the words I had wanted to say for months finally come out. Perhaps it was because I knew we were alone in the house and I could actually talk to John without fear of being heard or that this really was the start of my questioning but I couldn’t stop myself. “I know Joseph calls it a church and I want to believe that’s his intention...” John watched me intently as my face filled with concern. “But what happens when locals don’t want to hear him preach? What happens if people don’t believe we…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I couldn’t even finish my thought before John hushed me as he patted my forearm. “It will be fine, any legal bumps in the road is why I am here… it will be my problem.” He stated this like it was the simplest fact in the world but it wasn’t. We were married, he was the one person in this world who mattered more to me than anyone else. I was never going to let him deal with any troubles that came his way on his own, and he knew this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Your problems are my problems, John…” I replied quickly. It was the truth, no matter what the situation was what happened to John. What he was dealing with would affect me and our family. “Everything that will touch you will touch me and our family. We have to think about this. Your problems are our family’s problems as well.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe they are, but right now things are quiet… most folk don’t know us from a hole in the wall so we don’t need to worry…” He patted my forearm again. “Darling, you don’t need to worry, let me be the one to worry about this, you just focus on you and the baby.” He kissed my cheek as he gestured towards the door. There was no way I was ever going to stop worrying about what was really going on but part of me was still glad for John wanting to shield me a little. Even if he didn’t need to. He held my hand tightly as we walked out to his truck. He opened the passenger side door first.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I really think we need to get a more practical car for when ya know, I can’t hoof myself into your truck.” I pointed out as I reached up trying to pull myself in. “Which really is going to be any day now.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John’s hands slipped around my waist. “You could always just ask for help up too.” He pointed out with a breathy laugh as he helped me up into the cab of the truck. Once I was situated he handed me my purse.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That still doesn’t solve the problem of where the car seat is going to go…” John looked up at me and nodded his head half agreeing with me as he rolled his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, I admit you have me on the car seat issue… we will just add that to the shopping list I suppose.” I started to laugh as he shut the door for me before rounding the front of the truck and climbing in the driver’s side.  I was glad to have brought my sweater, I slipped it on once I got settled in the car before buckling my seatbelt. “It’s a bit of a drive to the property…” John noted as he fished his keys out of his pocket. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Like out in the middle of nowhere?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. When we were discussing what we wanted in our dream home, I had joked and said ‘out in the middle of nowhere’ and apparently John had taken that into account when looking for this place. Instantly, I wondered what else he had taken into account.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John shrugged. “Everything is out in the middle of nowhere here… but it’s out of the way back on a dirt driveway…” He pulled out of the driveway of the farmhouse where we were living and out on the road. “If the records with the county..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t..” I start slowly, cutting him off mid sentence, knowing that John always has his ways of getting his hand on property. It’s a gift, well his ability to manipulate and blackmail people is a gift to some. The bane of others existences. The fact of the matter is I knew that this house was likely someone’s home, perhaps they had a family of their own, but all I had to do was say one word...’Yes’ when he asked me if I wanted it and would be ours within a month. Two if the people were difficult. At the time I didn’t think that this was all that wrong. At the end of the day the people would have more than enough money to buy another lovely home, someplace else. It didn’t bother me that we were coming in and buying our own happiness at the expense of others. John had gotten me accustomed to this idea long before we came to Hope County. He had made me feel like, because we had suffered, had been through horrible things, we deserved whatever we wanted and I believed him, because I wanted to. I wanted everything he offered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Reaching over John took my hand,I didn’t flinch. I still thought I would, but I didn’t. “You know me well enough to know if I even thought this could be...the house… that I wasn’t going to use every bit of good looks and charm to get every bit of information on this property… and it’s a sizable amount of land.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How much land?” I asked, shifting in my seat to watch his expression change. Even behind his sunglasses I could tell his eyes lit up as he smiled broadly. “John… How much land?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Enough I could have several planes… and we wouldn’t really have to worry about neighbors bothering us.” We stopped at a stop sign and he turned to me, his broad smirk turned sly. “We could even probably have a dozen kids and still have enough room..” He joked looking over at me and smiling the devilish grin. Thinking back on this moment now, I could have seen us having a rather large family if in the end, circumstances had been different, though I am quite glad for my own sanity we did not have quite that large of a family.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I let out a small forced laugh as I rolled my eyes, which only made John sigh and shake his head at me as I began to speak. “Can I give birth to the first our apparent dynasty of Seed children before we even have a discussion about a possible second let alone eleven more John, Jesus… my poor body barely likes this pregnancy, you want to put me through this eleven more times?” I sighed and shook my head, raising my hand and gesturing to my stomach. “This baby is already giving me hell with heartburn and that hellacious morning sickness, I am not sold on becoming the person who single handedly populates New Eden…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They would be beautiful, all twelve of them. We are going to have the most gorgeous children and you know it. How can we deny the new world our genetics?” He chuckled, turning his attention back to the road. “Look at us, both the youngest for a damn good reason… our parents stopped at perfection.” I started to laugh so hard I let go of his hand to cover my face when I ended up snorting. Which only made John start to chuckle. “I was not that funny…was I?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s so funny because it’s true…” I wheezed through loud laughter. My hand ran across my stomach as I shifted in the seat. “Have you seen my brothers… It takes three of them to change a light bulb. Like they are pretty, my side of the genetics are in fact flawless in way of looks but the only one with half a brain has always been Sean.” I leaned back in the seat watching John nod in agreement. “The others have good hearts but their tempers will always get the better of them. It’s the MacKenna curse you know,” I sighed and pointed to him. “You think you are the only one who comes from tainted blood, you see my family. Wrath, every single one of us. Even Sean.” I sigh, I knew my family. I knew who we were at our cores and while it was often the best of intentions that led us there, we were all destined for hell. “We either have a short fuse and moderate explosion… or long fuse and when we blow...there are casualties.” I made the gesture of an explosion as I spoke.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John shrugged knowing that everything I had said was true. He knew my brother well enough, and longer than he knew me. To this day, I would still count Sean as John’s only true friend. If anyone could make the statement he was about to, it was John, “You and Sean are the only two I would say have the long fuse and you are the ones that honestly terrified me the most when you do get pissed. I have seen you a little pissed, but I have seen Sean go hard…” John paused and looked at me very seriously. “You two… you two are the ones to watch.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed and shrugged. “But Bobby has been arrested more than anyone else…” I pointed out and most of the time that my brother had been arrested, had been for getting into some manner of physical altercation. “He even beat out Mac with that last assault charge you got him out of.” I point out softly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John shook his head as his face showed his obvious disapproval of my statement. “I have been to the bar with Bobby, he is always itching to get fucking hit. He doesn’t even want to throw the punches, he provokes everyone to show how much he can take.” John was not wrong on that matter, Bobby had always wanted to prove to the older boys, Mac in particular, that he could take a hit. John cleared his throat as he leaned back in the seat, his hands loosely gripping the steering wheel.“He goes looking for a fight because he is pissed off at the world. Not to mention he is not the brightest crayon in the box our Bobby...” John turned down a road with a sign that we were headed towards Holland Valley. “He isn’t going to be the one to plot something, that’s all you… maybe Sean… but you. My darling Mary Jane, I would venture to say if you had your way you would be pulling every string. Calling every shot, you hate that Sean is trying to keep you out of this. It’s eating away at you my love, I can see it.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I pursed my lips because John was right. I was never someone in the thick of things, even with my family’s own illegal dealings but I knew everything that went on. “I have no idea what you are talking about, John.” My voice trying to fake the innocence that my words lacked. John chuckled. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my darling...do you think I would have married you if I didn’t know what you are capable of? That it isn’t part of the reason I fell in love with you?” That sheepish tone in his voice made my cheeks flush pink as I sunk back in the chair. “There is no shame in it, perhaps one day you will need to embrace it.” We drove through Fall’s End, which wasn’t a very big town even back then, but it was lively. There were always people coming and going. It looked like a nice little town. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I leaned closer to John, “Holland Valley honestly would be a really nice place to raise our family, don’t you think?” I mused. John nodded, his eyes fixed on the road. “I could bring the baby into town to go to that little general store or to visit Sean.” I looked out the window and pictured the quiet life I desperately wanted that had little to do with the dream that Joseph had for the Project. I let out a sad sigh knowing that no matter how hard I tried I would never really get that dream. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you would like the fact it wouldn’t be too far from him,” John noted as we left the small town to continue to this fabled property. “I know he is the only you can stand...” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love my dad too… and Mac, I love my Mac a doodles,” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mac’ a’ Doodles...are you 3?” John teased.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I have called him that since I was two thank you very much.” With little sigh I continued. “Even Jimmy has his moments… even Bobby occasionally makes me not want to hit him..”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Colin..” John groaned. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can fuck the hell right off.” I laughed and John nodded as he drove across a small bridge. “ Circling back to Bobby, Bobby wants to make everyone laugh because when we were laughing, we weren’t fighting.“ I pointed out leaning back in the set and reached out for him to take my hand again. He glanced down and reached over taking my hand as he made another turn. “I mean, my brothers are part of the reason I don’t want a gaggle of children. All we did when we were kids was fight, all the time.” John nodded his head slowly not fully wanting to admit I had my point. “Like honestly, would you ever associate with anyone besides Sean if we weren’t married and they weren’t my brothers.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John had to think for a longer moment than I thought he would have. “Mac, probably.” John notes. “Your dad, I love your dad… scares me half to death sometimes but he treats me like your brothers.” My dad did like John, I think it was because there was a lot of himself in John. Or rather my father saw the potential for John. He just needed guidance, reassurance and my father could see that. For as harsh as a man that he was, my father knew that everyone needed compassion in life. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Everyone loves my Dad, that doesn’t count.” I laugh. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shaking his head John Laughed “I think three is a good number of kids though. Four in theory would be better because no one is technically in the middle…” John mused absentmindedly his eyes still affixed to the road. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Same could be said for two…” I laughed and shook my head. There was no way that I even wanted to think about more children at that point in time. Most certainly never entertain the idea of having four children. The idea alone was enough to make shudder as I laughed nervously. “Are we really having this conversation? I really don’t think we need to have this conversation...” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I mean, I kinda like the idea of having a big family. Bunch of adorable little versions of us running around.” John said half under his breath like he was a little worried that I would react to his statement. That was the first time I had ever had John mention that fact or the next. “I also really like the idea of this one being a girl… even if we don't have other kids..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You would really be happy with a girl?” I asked, not believing him one bit as I leaned over. “You are perfectly fine with your first and possibly only child being a girl and all the frilly things that are very likely going to go hand in had with said girl child?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bring on the Princesses and tea parties..” He laughed and something about the way he smiled when he turned to me for a moment said he was absolutely genuine in his statement. “I thought over the course of the last week that I haven’t been able to sleep.” he paused as our eyes met. John arched an eyebrow and without saying the words I knew what he was insinuating that part of the reason he hadn’t been able to sleep was because I hadn’t been next to him. I would have never admitted it then, but I also struggled with sleep rolling over and him not being right there. He let out a long sigh, “But, I thought about it and I think I really want this baby to be a girl…” He paused as eyes shifted back to the road, I wondered if it was because he was worried about driving or because he couldn’t look at me while he said, “Because I want one person in this world to look at me like I am the hero,” His words cut deep to a place I didn’t know existed. I had always thought John viewed himself as the hero of his own story, but he didn’t and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t really seen it before that moment. “I want our child to look at me the way you look at your dad…” My heart sunk as I heard him speak, we hadn’t talked about this particular subject before at all. I hadn’t given it much thought that my relationship with my father, which was one of the two relationships with my family I could call anywhere close to good. Would have affected John in such a way. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Reaching over, I rested my hand on his bicep. “You are my hero, sometimes.” I whispered which caused John to smile softly as he stayed focused on the road. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No I am not.” John muttered with a tone of bitterness in his voice. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“All the issues aside John, you are.” I try to explain but my words fail me. I let out a frustrated groan that he couldn’t see all the ways he does come to save me. “Any time Joseph gets too much, you tell him to leave me alone.” I point out trying to think of relevant issues. “When Colin is being particularly shitty, you always put him in his place.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a pleasure, really.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I chuckled as I shook my head. “This is why I love you, you know that.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We share the same enemies?” The amusement in his voice made me laugh softly as I shook my head. “What then?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You want to protect me, take care of me, keep me safe.” I point out resting my hand on his arm once more. “That’s why you are my hero you stupid boy.” I shift in my seat as John shakes his head dismissively not wanting to take the compliment. “One of these days you will see it, John.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We drove on for another nearly ten minutes in a comfortable silence as I contemplated what John had said about wanting a girl. “I suppose, I wouldn’t mind a girl, but mom would either be upset about us not having a boy or fuss over her so much more she would never leave the house. Which is it’s own special hell, I hope you know.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“To me, the look would be worth it… plus in our own place. You can kick her out…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My eyes got wide as I leaned in, getting excited at the thought. “Oh, I am liking the idea of this house more and more..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Told you… and you haven’t even seen it yet. I’m telling you, Darling it’s the dream house.” he lifted our hands and brought them to his lips. “I told you, it’s going to be different and I meant it.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before I realized what I was saying, the words fell from my lips. “I know….” Did I though? No, but I wanted to believe it so badly I said it. I loved the man John wanted to be and I hoped, foolishly so, that if I loved him hard enough I could somehow fix the decades of damage that had been done before we had even met.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John squeezed my hand, reassuring me of his promise. “I promise… I am committed to you, to our family, to giving you and this baby the lives you deserve.” He kissed my fingers again before letting my hand go and taking hold of the wheel again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“John...” I mutter softly wishing we weren’t in the car because when he said things like that, it made me want to forget all the manipulation and pain he caused. For a time I let myself. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me, hold me and make me forget everything that happened in the past. It was a power he had over me, maybe it’s just being hopelessly in love. With a long sigh I studied his face before I spoke. It amazed me that I knew his face almost as well as I knew my own. Each freckle, each subtle line. It reminded me that he was the only person for me, the only person who could make me feel so willing to abandon every dream I once held, to follow him. “We are going to be okay, baby, I know it. We have had bumps in the road before and we may again… but, I’m not going anywhere, you are stuck with me.” Leaning in I rested my head against his shoulder. We drove in silence the rest of the way, me leaning against him, holding his hand trying to forget that a week ago I couldn’t look at him without wanting to cry. I hate that he has always had this sway over me. He just makes me feel like I actually matter, to one person. He doesn’t even have to do anything, I knew there was nothing insincere about what he said, or malicious intent. John was really trying. He always did. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When we pulled down the dirt driveway I sat up and let go his hand anxiously wanting to see this fabled house.  It dawned on me that more than likely people lived in this house. “The owners…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aren’t home, they are on vacation in Florida..” John responded quickly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, so we are just going to look at the outside then.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John nodded as he put the truck into park and turned to me. “The inside can be changed, we can add on and change whatever you want. I think the layout is good. I looked at the blueprints, but this is your domain at the end of the day. So the final say is yours.” It smirked thinking about the power, normally micromanaging John was handing over to me at that moment. In our house in Georgia, nothing was done without his final approval. So the concept that it was not me holding the cards was exciting beyond words to me. I had a thousand ideas already spinning through my mind before I even had laid eyes on the outside. In my head, this house was already mine.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John smiled and opened his door and hopped out. Racing around the front of the truck he opened my door. I turned to him and reached out, putting my hands on his shoulders. “I miss the BMW,” I grumble as his hands go around my waist and help me down out of the truck. “You never had to help me out of the BMW.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you liked my truck?” He playfully pouted as he set me down on the ground in front of him. “I remember you were particularly fond of going for rides in this truck when we first moved to Montana…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I did before you got me pregnant in it.” I reached behind me and patted the seat. “I distinctly remember being face down and ass up on this seat up in the woods when you promised you were going to pull out… but you didn’t” I patted my stomach and smirked. “This right here is the result of this truck and having no privacy whatsoever those first few months.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright… Alright. I take the wound to my ego and my truck’s ego. You are lucky you are so damn pretty and I love you so much.” He laughed, taking my hands. I pursed my lips at him, mocking his statement. My face only made John laugh as he cringed. “Maybe I should rethink my previous statement.” His joke caught me off guard and while I chuckled, I shoved him away playfully. “Oh, darling I didn’t… you know..” His tone was soft as he took my hands and pulled me closer to him. “You know I was just playing, I wanted to see you smile.” He was so tender as he ran his thumb across the back of my hand, I couldn’t help but smile up at him.  “Let’s go look at the house…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, baby, we are walking?” I scoffed over exaggerating my distatine over the idea. “Do I look like a person that walks places, if I wasn't pregnant I would be in heels…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I am honestly shocked you didn’t put them on when I saw you did your makeup and hair.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, if we are going to be in public I can’t look like I have in fact been living off little debbies and cheetos for a week.” I wrap my arms around his arm and lean in. “Plus I like to feel pretty too…” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As we walk John looks down at me before kissing the top of my head. “You are always pretty to me.” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You are legally obligated to say that because you got me pregnant and you married me.” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That may be true,” John laughed softly. “But you are also beautiful even when you wake up all grumpy and roll over begging me not to have to get out of bed…” He stopped and turned to me. “Really… you are always perfect to me… I don’t tell you enough, I don’t show you enough…” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And you are now?” I asked softly. </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John nodded slowly as he took my hands. “Every single day…” He looked deep into my eyes as he lifted one of his hands and ran his thumb along my jawline. “I promised you it’s going to be different and it will be.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why now?” I asked softly, looking up at him still wanting answers. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shrugging, John shook his head. “The look you gave me the next morning, you were...scared of me..” And I had been. I was terrified that he had talked me into doing that, that he convinced me that it was the right thing to do. It went against every moral fiber in me and he knew it. “Then you told me to leave… I thought…” </span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was done.” I finished and John nodded. For a moment I had considered turning tail and running. Perhaps, I should have. In the long run that would have been the smartest move. But in matters related to John, I rarely used my head. “John..” I reached up but he grabbed my hand and pulled it away. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, listen…” He started as he took my hands and held them. “I never want you to be afraid of me...I want to be the one person in this world you never have to fear.” I wanted to tell him that he was, but it would be a lie. John did scare me at times, most of the time he didn’t. Most of the time he was like he was now. Calm, caring and wanting to be the best man he could be. It always has left me in a spot where I wanted to show John I did trust him but if a dark mood overtakes him… he is terrifying. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you, John,” I whispered, not knowing what else to possibly say to reassure him that still was truthful. Leaning forward, John tangled his hand in my long dark hair as he pulled me in to kiss him. It had been a week since I had felt his lips on mine. His other hand splayed across my lower back pulling me against him as he deepened the kiss. My hands gripped the collar of his coat as I almost lost my footing as my flat started to slide off my foot but John caught me. We both started laughing softly as he pulled back resting his forehead against mine. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With a sly smirk he reached up and fixed my hair that fell out of place. “I missed that… I missed you…” He whispered with that tinge of desperation in his voice I knew all too well.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I rested my hand upon his chest and looked up at him. “Well the sooner you show me that house and take me on my agreed upon shopping spree…” John chuckled softly as he ran his hand down over my shoulder before adjusting my sweater that had slid off my shoulder. “The sooner we can get home and I can show you just how much I missed you.” I had started the day with no intentions of having John ending up back in our bed that night. In fact I had planned for him to stay on the couch at least through the weekend but seeing him, feeling his hands on my body, his lips on mine. It made me weak, weak for him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I think we need to go look at this house then, don’t we?” He laughed, taking my hand and leading the way. His pace was a little quicker but not enough that I would have to strain to keep up. It wasn’t but a few minutes walk more before the house came into view.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was the one that stopped dead in their tracks this time. My mouth hung open as I took in the beautifully crafted home, I say crafted on purpose because this house was a work of beauty. Whatever I had pictured, this was not it. This was a warm and inviting wooden palace. “Oh, John…” I whispered as I took a few fast steps closer. John stood back, his arms crossed in front of his chest waiting with a satisfied grin playing on his lips enjoying the sigh of me losing it over this house. “Baby.. this… is like a house out of those magazines I used to look at when we were dating… there is so much space… so much room.” I exclaimed in shock, still taking it in. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>John walked up behind me. His hands resting on my hips as he leaned forward resting his head on my shoulder. “So you think you can make this a home for our family?” He asked softly. His hand ran up from my hips before settling them across my stomach. “What do you say mama?” He asked playfully. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.. absolutely yes..” I exclaimed with a broad smile playing on my lips. It would be years before I knew the full truth of what John and my brothers did to get us that house, but that was the day that we decided to make our home in Holland Valley. </span>
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